It’s that time of year again: seed catalogs begin arriving in the mail, Home Depot gears up its gardening department for the onslaught, and women everywhere begin fantasizing about turning their desolate flowerbeds into Better Homes and Gardens spread material. I know this because I entertain this dream every year.

But two years ago, it was different. I was over my friend’s house and noticed her quaint and tidy vegetable garden in the corner of her yard. As soon as I spied it, the wheels in my head began spinning and plotting. Why don’t I get one of those? That’s a pretty good idea… All these years I’ve toiled and cared for a flower garden, which is food for the soul, but I’d never considered a vegetable garden, which could be hearty food for the stomach. Yes, it was time to get practical.

I had visions of being the neighborhood hero, promptly arriving on doorsteps armed with a bushel of tomatoes precisely when the local supermarket price hit 2.99/lb. Yes, I’d redeem myself for all the years we were the only one on the street without Christmas lights. Ahhh, this could be my new ministry as well as my redemption… (Cue angel music.)

Now, if you know me, I don’t do anything halfway. It wasn’t long before I was scouring the yellow pages to request that a super-size Mac-daddy truckload of dirt be delivered. (CUT angel music.) Observation #1: When the guy on the phone asks you if you want clean dirt, do not make snorting noises and laugh at him like he’s making a joke. There really is such a thing as clean dirt and dirty dirt. Honest, I am not making this up. You will look silly, and trust me, that will be just a foretaste of things to come.

By now, every gardening book in our county library was sitting on our family room floor racking up fines. I scoured and digested every book and magazine on the subject before making Observation #2: There is a reason that Florida Gardening is in a different section than General Gardening. I don’t care if those little zone numbers in the catalog say that it grows in your zone; if it ain’t growing in your neighbor’s yard, it won’t miraculously grow in yours. Not even with daily applications of Miracle Grow. No, friend, you’re going to need the brand of miracles that come from above…

So, for my first vegetable garden, I planted 800 square feet of strawberries, tomatoes, squash, blackberries, blueberries, green onions, carrots, squash, corn, lettuce, and other stuff that escapes my mind probably because I never saw it. (grumble, mumble) Since this was one of my latest ploys to save money, of course, I began all these plantings by seeds or bare-root plants.

Luckily, during the “greenhouse” time, my “Zone 4″ seeds were duped into thinking they were in their hometown. That is, until I shocked them with the transplant into a “Zone 9″ backyard. Miraculously, they all survived the transplant due to my daily babying, patting, and rigging. Things were looking good. I knew these suckers would grow. You see, they just needed someone with a green thumb to help them succeed.

And someone with a heavy dose of ignorance. Roger that…

Time went on, and I noticed things weren’t looking like they do in the magazines. Not willing to admit defeat, I rightly diagnosed that my soil needed a little amending. So, I visited a horse farm and shoveled up trashcans of manure to lush up my garden. Observation #3: A big bag of fertilizer does a better job for your time, money, results, and self-esteem. Save yourself the embarrassment and just buy the fertilizer.

Still determined to fix my soil since the manure didn’t help much, I decided that worms would do the trick. (I don’t give up easy, OK?) A dear elder from church heard about my plight and showed up with 15 gallons of worms from his worm farm (which my fire ants promptly devoured). Now it’s time for Observation #4: If there ain’t any worms in your soil now, putting worms in there won’t fix the problem. Face it: your soil is so bad that it’s even repulsive to worms.

If you are feeling bad for me regarding my soil issues, well, I haven’t even addressed my pestilence and disease issues. I’ll save that for another day. Here’s the thing: No matter what you do and how hard you try, the only thing that grows without turmoil or any effort on your part are weeds (and your tax bill). This life is hard. Long for heaven, my friends. The dirt’s much better there.

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Postscript: If you don’t already long for heaven, email me so that I can share with you how you can have eternal life.