10. The only time I “count to five” is when I’m cooking up bowls of oatmeal for Baby Energizer in the morning.

9. All our county resource officers are tied up at our local public preschool.

8. If the teacher needs a little reinforcement, the teacher places a call to the Principal. The Principal speaks on the phone for about 30 seconds to the pupil. Said pupil morphs into Teacher’s Pet instantaneously. Case closed.

7. I never forget to generously dose each child with Prozac and Ritalin before the start of each day.

6. All our kids just skip kindergarten.

5. Withholding library privileges is worse than handcuffs for our kids.

4. If Baby Energizer continues her growth trend, the police will need a forklift by the time she’s five, not handcuffs.

3. The NEA and the ACLU are scared of the HSLDA.

2. Our kindergartners are too busy reading good books to be inconvenienced by a trip to jail.

1. Because our Junior isn’t finally disciplined on his 53rd trial of the same antic.