Large families don’t need outreach events
Tuesday, Nov 1, 2005
I do declare that I don’t recall a recent time when I was out and about that someone hasn’t stopped me to comment on the size of my family. Now, I am of the friendly sort, but I generally don’t stop people in the middle of the frozen food section to comment on their reproductive habits or lack thereof. But when you have more than 1.7 children, you are fair game.
Now, I realize we’re the antithesis of The Simpsons and other pop culture TV families–as my children walk through the grocery store calmly, without grabbing things off the shelves and begging unmercifully for Sugar Bombs–and so, I generally welcome the comments because I acknowledge that we must look strange, especially with the sheer volume of it all. Really, when is the last time someone stopped you, gave you their captive attention, and asked you to share the Gospel? Happens to me every time.
Sometimes the phrase “How do you do it?!” is a sincere question; other times it is said as a statement of bewilderment. Either way, they are waiting for a response, and I try not to disappoint them. Today, it was another version of the same question that went like this from the lady who works in the bakery, “Are they all yours?! …Boy, and you’re barefoot and pregnant again.” To which I said, “Well, I’m wearing shoes today, but only because we’re at the grocery store.” Then she went on to tell me about the Duggar family “with something like 16 kids” that she heard about on TV. Utter disgust was in her voice.
Now I realize that large families are not synonymous with being a Christian, but those who have allowed the Lord to multiply his Kingdom right in their home have a particular calling. It requires a ready, gracious response to all who are watching and hate life. They hate life because they have not bowed their knee yet to the Life Giver. They are watching. They are stopping us. They are asking—in their own way—from where comes our hope and our reason for choosing life.
And so, when the lady in the bakery mocked our family and my declaration of God’s goodness, I couldn’t help but notice that she pulled out the leftover, unsold Halloween cupcakes. She gave one to each of the children. And she handed me an extra one for the baby.
I will tell of all your wonders. ~Psalm 9:1
34 Comments
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a comment
Great story…we have 4 kids and get those statements all the time. And in an odd coincidental moment, I went to church and high school with JB Duggar and his sister Deanna. His story does seem odd, but he and his wife appear sincere about their desire for a family blessed of God.
Comment by Damon (November 1, 2005 @ 3:57 pm )
I have to admit that the most challenging thing about having a large family, for me, is not the grocery bill or the laundry, but the comments. I am a private person by nature and I don’t like attention, and at times the attention seems relentless as soon as we step out the door.
(We have 8 so far) I also notice it seems much more critical types of comments when I am pregnant. I wonder if it is the natural outgrowth of a culture that has held the baby in the womb as unhuman that gives it a kind of disgust towards pregnancy.
I like how you interpretted that woman’s question. That was a great insight and one I will try to bring back to mind next time we step out!
Comment by kerri (November 1, 2005 @ 4:30 pm )
“To which I said, ‘Well, I’m wearing shoes today, but only because we’re at the grocery store.’”
You are TOO funny! I love that line!
Comment by Kim (November 1, 2005 @ 5:15 pm )
I have to say that I am not always gracious when people are rude to me or they give me “the look” because I have several children. I desire so much to be the women of old who respond in kindness and meekness to the people of the world who don’t understand what wonderful gifts the LORD has given me. I have felt it time and time again, from strangers, family and so called friends.
And I don’t think I understand Damon’s commments when he said “His story does seem odd, but he and his wife appear sincere about their desire for a family blessed of God.”
I saw the Discovery special about them “14 children and pregnant again”. I have read about them from the media, other bloggers and on the Duggar’s own site. They seem like wonderful people. Women these days don’t just have babies to get attention, we have them because it is a true calling from the LORD, as His Word says it is. And forgive me if I misunderstand your tone or comment.
Mrs.DMG
Comment by Mrs. DMG (November 1, 2005 @ 5:16 pm )
Being that I am only expecting my first, I have never experienced what any of you have with all the comments. It is hard for me to understand those comments, but I think that you’ve explained it well, Amy. And I love your wittiness and spunk!
Comment by Tracey (November 1, 2005 @ 5:22 pm )
Enjoy your olive shoots around your table!
You have a beautiful and well cared-for family. I guess our selfish society can’t imagine a mother giving so much to her children, especially when so many regard children as ‘choices’ to be disposed of rather than protected.
Rock on, sister in Christ.
Comment by Jacqueline (November 1, 2005 @ 5:29 pm )
I got backup today! At the grocery store a lady said the usual, “Got your hands full.” To which I said, “Yes, full of blessings.” Then another lady came up behind me and said, “Better full than empty!” Hah, hah, we’re starting to outnumber them!
Comment by emily (November 1, 2005 @ 5:31 pm )
Yes!!!
That’s just too cool.
Comment by kerri (November 1, 2005 @ 7:18 pm )
so true, so true! people understand not from whence we came and are blessed to exist. how awesome that we get to be participants with the Life-giver and enjoy His creation.
Comment by erica (November 1, 2005 @ 9:19 pm )
Yes! Sigh, great post. We have five kiddos and I too find the questions, comments, and opinions more tiring than pairing their 70 socks a week.
I also recognize the curiosity of strangers as an opportunity to “shine, make them wonder what we’ve got, make them wish that they were not on the outside, looking bored” (our family anthem, thanks Newsboys).
Comment by mopsy (November 1, 2005 @ 10:40 pm )
Loved the shoe line!
Having a “large” family has been one of the biggest reasons we have had for extra opportunities to witness (in word and deed). The wonder or shock of it bridges a gap with total strangers. The grocery store is just another area on the mission field. The only other two things that I have had that always makes a connection are babies (just one will do) and a dog at the park playground–you’ll get more people to talk to than you can shake a stick at, unless of course your there with a dog, baby, and a large family.
Comment by Lisa B. (November 2, 2005 @ 1:08 am )
I’m already getting comments with just one and one on the way (they’ll be about 20 mo. apart-I don’t think it is that close).
Well done responding graciously and with some humor as well, it is something I am still working on. It is exciting to see/hear other familes who love children and consider them blessings (no matter how many they are blessed with)
Comment by tiffany (November 2, 2005 @ 1:42 am )
Bravo!! Well done! I really noticed that the comments picked up when I was pregnant with my 5th. It really puts you over the edge of acceptable. I think in some circles 4 is very vogue. I think that whatever our good Lord decides is what we’ll end up with!!
Comment by Nancy Palmer (November 2, 2005 @ 2:07 am )
We have had this too. We went to a music store, my older son needed a guitar fixed. The helper was stuned with the antithesis behavior. He was so pleased he handed us little mini train whistles for all the kids to take home. I so wish they were cupcakes after 12 miles of listening to them on the way home.
Mopsy: That is our theme song too. Our aim is to reflect so much joy they have no other option but to be joyous with us. Generally, we have very positive responses as a result. There are a few scowlers, but I think they are scowling because they realize how much they are missing now.
Comment by KS Milkmaid (November 2, 2005 @ 2:41 am )
It sounds as though you have a lovely family — and I am constantly surprised (and often bewildered) by the comments total strangers and casual acquaintances will make about others’ situations.
I smiled at your description of your well-behaved children because I am often confronted by children in public places (stores, restaurants, etc.) who are crying or carrying on, trying to get their parents’ attention while mom and dad seem oblivious or insensitized to what is going on.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I were seated at the local Ruby Tuesday’s for dinner — and next to a family with 4 small children. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but my first thought was “Oh no… ” As it turned out, it was a lovely family, and the four children (3 boys, 1 girl, all under 7 years old) were really well-behaved children. These were not children who weren’t allowed to speak because they spoke freely back and forth with their parents, but children who were, it was evident, brought up in a respectful and mindful manner. They were such good children. All children will have their moments (just as we adults do, but on a different level! ), but you could tell these loving parents had instilled some loving discipline into the rearing of their children. And you could see it was a loving family through the interaction of the parents and the children.
Congratulations on your fine family.
Comment by Kathy (November 2, 2005 @ 8:47 am )
I guess I can understand someone asking, “Are they all yours?” to someone with 8, 10, or 12 children with them. But with only 4? At least that’s the way I think of it…only 4 isn’t really so many blessings, although it is more than the world’s perfect number of children.
Back in the early years I had 4 little ones with me everywhere I went, and I got the same remarks. I actually loved it! It meant the Lord was helping the children stand out as good examples of behavior and of trusting the Lord for His best for me and my husband.
I’d say to keep that humorous and grateful attitude and folks will wonder what that sweet aroma is and want some of it–can’t buy that at the grocery store!
Comment by Deb (November 2, 2005 @ 8:51 am )
We had Psalm singing at our home Sunday night and my oldest felt the need to tease another family as they arrived with–are they all yours? you must be busy! in a whiney sort of voice! He’s too much, but he’s heard it so often its become quite a joke!
Dh takes it as a fun sort of challenge–how many comments can we get at Wallyworld this week? When I was pg with our 5th, it was somehow still acceptable since we had 4 boys and I MUST be trying for a girl and everyone figured we would be done. Some would actually ask if we wanted more. To which I would respond, well, I am content for now but I’m sure we’d love more…. Now that Princess is 15 months I’m hoping for soon!
Comment by Lyn (November 2, 2005 @ 11:46 am )
Very good post! As a young father of four who are four and under and another warming his buns in the oven,
I have had a lot of those same remarks. I have been told to “give your wife a break,” and Your going to kill your wife!” What do you say to a culture that has no respect for the value of our children unless your campaining for something in the legislature!
I remember my former boss who saw a lady from our church come into our store with five of her children. The children were very well behaved and after they had left, my boss rolled her eyes and told me that “those were great kids but wow, that’s a lot of kids” I couldn’t help but tell her that there were three more at home who were older. She slaped the desk and stated that
“That is TOO many!”
“Ok, which ones should she not have had?”
“Jay, that’s beside the point. There all beautiful kids but you have to say enough some time.”
“Ok, but your saying she shouldn’t have had them yet you wouldn’t want to miss any of them. You can’t have it both ways!”
She continued to reiterate that she should have stopped having kids but could not agree that there were some she should not have had!!
My heart was filled with sorrow for all the young, or even unborn children who have never know the unconditional love of a parent or the feeling of being wanted. I also wonder what God thinks when His children spurn the precious gift He has given us in our children!
Thanks for your thoughts and openess
Comment by Japheth (November 2, 2005 @ 11:49 am )
for the first time, I got the remark “are they all yours?” at the doctors office a few weeks ago. And I only have three! I have the ideal image in my mind of how my children should behave in public and they don’t always live up to that image, esp. my eldest who is 4.5. And so many times, I feel like I have failed them because of the way they behave ~ and truthfully, sometimes by the way I behave in response to their behavior. My children don’t always walk down the asile calmly nor does their mother. But then, we will be somewhere, usually in a restaurant, and there will be so many comments on how well our children are behaving. I’m obviously to close to see them clearly. I just see the spaces we are lacking in and I see how other large families interact in public, and I always see us falling short. Granted, they’ve had from 7 to 24 years in experience, so perhaps I shouldn’t be all that deflated.
I am lacking greatly in places, but I’m try to do my best…I hope that is good enough.
Jennifer
Comment by Jennifer D (November 2, 2005 @ 12:35 pm )
You got free cupcakes? You are blessed!
Comment by The Mommy Blawger (November 2, 2005 @ 2:19 pm )
Jennifer-We ALL have those moments. Don’t feel too bad. I have a little guy who has been about as much work as the rest of them to train. We have had to leave stores and such, and it is hard and a lot of work. It is a good goal to aim for good behavior, not just in public, but at all times, teaching the children to obey from the heart. But don’t feel like you have failed if you don’t all meet that. We are all a work in progress!
The Boyers, who have 13, suggest having training sessions-going at a time when you don’t expect to get anything done, perferably with your husband, and just work on teaching the children what is OK, and what’s not. Also, reminding as you go somewhere, “Remember, no touching”, etc. Having clear expectations can really help with the stress.
I’m sorry for the unsolicited advice, ignore it if it is unwelcome. But I do know the feelings you expressed, and have sympathy for them!
Comment by kerri (November 2, 2005 @ 2:20 pm )
Jennifer, I have felt the same way so many times. The truth is that although some appear to have it more together than us at times, we all rely solely upon the blood of Christ every day. None of us are where we should be yet.
Phil. 3:13-14
Comment by emily (November 2, 2005 @ 4:06 pm )
Great post Amy! I loved your response as well.
I guess now that I’m going to a church where the average number of children to most families is five, most families don’t seem that big to me anymore, just normal! 
I’m only pregnant with my first, so it might be awhile before I start to get the comments, but Lord willing one day they will come and I will have the opportunity for some witty replies and of course a lot of joyful ones. Keep up the good work! 
I loved the title of the post too, by the way.
Comment by Ashlee (November 2, 2005 @ 4:24 pm )
Thank you Kerri and Emily.
Comment by Jennifer D (November 2, 2005 @ 6:54 pm )
Thank you Kerri and Emily. Any suggestion and advice is welcome.
Jennifer
Comment by Jennifer D (November 2, 2005 @ 6:55 pm )
Thank you Amy for this post. We have four blessings, 7 and under–the last 3 in 3 yrs. Some family members are still confused as to how many we have! I get the “hands full” and/or “Are they all yours?” comments everytime we go somewhere. I have not had a decent response. I wish I had your sense of humor. I tend to get frustrated with people making negative comments in front of my children. What exactly are they asking when they ask if they are all yours, anyway? Do they wonder if some are adopted, or if some “belong” to someone else? We have not adopted, but I cannot imagine saying that an adopted child was not yours–especially in front of him/her.
Thank you again
Wendy
Comment by wendy (November 2, 2005 @ 9:57 pm )
Very good post. I like your disposition when confronted by social criticism.
Here’s similar issue from the opposite side of the spectrum: being single in the Church. in my experience, non-Christians don’t give aging singles much hassle, but my brothers and sisters in Christ speak as though they have a divine entree to judge people who are not married. It BAFFLES me how strangers in church that I meet for the first time, and acquaintances I’ve known for a while but not closely, will speak about my being single as through it is some sort of deviance. Some (not all) married people in the Church treat un-married brothers and sisters in Christ as though they have social leprosy.
Sometimes it is a challenge to keep my composure when people speak to me with such certainty in their patronizing comments. I marvel at how inerrantists can speak judgment when Jesus and Paul valorized remaining unmarried. Singles who follow Paul as Paul followed Christ are not social lepers or deviants.
My sense from Scripture is that Christians shouldn’t be judging parents for having many children nor singles for remaining unmarried.
Comment by Glenn (November 2, 2005 @ 10:21 pm )
Strangely, we got tons of rotten comments on our first three (who were born within three years). But once we had the fourth a couple of years later, and had two boys and two girls, we got complimented all the time on what a beautiful family we have. People are just too weird.
Comment by ruth (November 3, 2005 @ 5:27 pm )
I just had my third boy and a checker at the grocery store said, ” I bet you wanted this one to be a girl.” I was pretty shocked, but I just said, “Actually, it’s nice having 3 boys.” My husband and I were talking about it this morning and decided the best response would have been to say, “Oh, you’re right. WHy don’t I just leave the baby here for the next family that has all girls?” (Okay, not the best response, but the most funny one)
Comment by christy (November 5, 2005 @ 12:40 pm )
“It requires a ready, gracious response to all who are watching and hate life. They hate life because they have not bowed their knee yet to the Life Giver. They are watching. They are stopping us. They are asking—in their own way—from where comes our hope and our reason for choosing life.”
That is right on, Amy. Thanks for writing it and reminding me of the calling I have been given.
Comment by Annie (November 7, 2005 @ 1:09 am )
Amy,
I appreciate your encouraging words! My children are ages 5, 4, 3, almost 2, and 3 months. “I guess you’re all done [having children]” is the most common remark I get. Well, only if the Lord wills! We hope to be blessed with more children. Thank you for the reminder to take such opportunities to be a witness for Him.
__________________________
Reading the comments I was struck by a reference to laundry. I am always looking for practical tips to better manage my house full of blessings. Anyone with advice to share on tackling laundry, please visit my post at:
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Moms4Psalms/
Comment by Moms4Psalms (November 7, 2005 @ 6:19 pm )
I am so relieved to have found a website such as this. It is encouraging to know that there are more large families out there than are realized…..thanks for the uplift -Debra- mommy of nine
Comment by Debra (November 10, 2005 @ 10:17 pm )
The other day a gentleman in the grocery store looked at me with my cart holding two carseats w/ 7-mo. old twins. My 2-yr. old was holding one side of the cart, and my 4-yr. old was holding the other side. He said, “My, you have your hands full!” My 4-yr. old son replied, “No, sir, she has FOUR handfuls!” I thought that was pretty quick thinking!
Comment by covenantmama (February 9, 2006 @ 9:29 pm )
This is a great story. I am in awe of those with large families. When I was 17 and the McCaughey septulets were born, I became interested in large families. I have 3 siblings, two brothers and a sister and I don’t consider that a large family but I guess nowadays some people might. I am still single with no children but maybe someday I have have one….or ten. It’s all up to God. Anywho, this article helped me realize that having a large family is a way to evangelize.
May God bless all of you with large families.
In Christ,
Karen
Comment by Karen (March 11, 2007 @ 10:58 pm )