When you know that nobody reads your site, it can be troubling. You might as well stick to an old-fashioned paper journal, as it will never mock you with a 404 File Not Found Error. It’s like telling the kids we’re going to the fabric store talking when nobody’s listening. I know this because I padded my site meter by starting it at 50. I admit it. But I was a newbie blogger back then, and I care a lot less now. I could pontificate that my self-worth isn’t dependent on hits, but that wouldn’t be very humble (or very true). It would just be boring. Plus, my descriptive site name forbids such self-aggrandizement. And so in the spirit of Thanksgiving and giving back, I offer the following suggestions for launching your blog into exponential growth:

10. Name your site “A Aardvark’s Adventures” so that you can be first on every blogroll. Sorry, folks, the genuinely creative and catchy title of “Amy’s Humble Musings” is already taken.

9. Win a contest or two or three.

8. Just start your stat counter at one million and display it prominently. People will wonder what they’ve been missing.

7. Complain about Phil Johnson.

6. In lieu of content, insult people everywhere by saying something noncommittal, like, “I can’t believe people actually eat cranberry sauce. Only heretics eat cranberry sauce.”

5. Set up an automatic daily PayPal donation program to Challies for inconspicuous links.

4. Blog on the emerging purpose-driven contraceptive movement of Arminian Iraq war protesters and you’ll have it made. Include important words such as “Jessica Simpson”, “cheap ipods”, and “How to Cook a Turkey” in your post for Google purposes.

3. When you’re not feeling too inspired, just add your two cents on some of the old stand-bys: Calvinism vs. Arminianism, Mac vs. PC, or organic vs. conventional. Try homebirthing vs. hospital birthing if you’re low on female readership. Bonus hits if you’ve never even given birth.

2. Act like you have something figured out. Even if your theory is correct 99.98% of the time, I personally guarantee that the .02% exceptions will find your site and tell you all about it.

1. If the above suggestions fail to launch you to Mortal Human status with a book deal as proof, just write worthwhile, interesting content and use your spel-cheker.

Happy Blogging, friends.