I am the worst mother ever.

There are two cop cars on my street as I’m typing this, and I bet they’re looking for me. It all began this morning when I left the children unsupervised while I brushed my teeth. Sticky note to self: You are a mother now; you are not allowed to spend copious amounts of time on personal hygiene! Get over it, lady.

So the Child-Who-Will-Remain-Unnamed– but happens to be the oldest and most responsible of the bunch– took it upon himself to dole out the vitamins (which are on a very high shelf in the kitchen) this morning without asking. He opened the child-proof lid and gave each Scott kid one serving, which amounts to two vitamins each. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, as the kids know the rules and wouldn’t dream of taking more than allotted.

But the 18-month-old doesn’t know Scott Rule #8349847, which states clearly: Do not eat entire bottles of vitamins. Yes, you know what happened. Child-Who-Will-Remain-Unnamed neglected to put away the bottle, leaving it open on the table. Baby Energizer –who is really feeling the energy now—consumed an estimated 40 vitamins. But looking on the bright side, it was only 20 servings.

To confirm my suspicions, we first needed to track down the vitamin bottle. We turned the house upside down searching for the missing vitamin bottle, as I placed a frantic call to my husband to google “vitamin poisoning” on the internet. I barked out commands to the older three kids like a drill sergeant, “Find the vitamin bottle NOW!” while simultaneously coaxing the baby with sweet words, “Tell Mama where the vitamins are…show Mommy…you can do it.”

She just smiled at me.

I finally found the vitamin bottle when my husband called to tell me that it was the iron in vitamins that are toxic. I read and reread the bottle over and over. There’s no iron in my children’s multivitamin! What kind of mother gives her kids vitamins without iron in them? Right—only bad mothers. But apparently, being a bad mother was working out for me today.

Another call to the National Poison Center (1-800-222-1222) confirmed that iron is the thing to worry about and that there was no need to get her stomach pumped. “But,” I challenged, “Can’t a person overdose on vitamins A, D, E, or K?” The reply was that it had to be ingested repeatedly over a long period of use. OK, good. This is only my first time of mothering neglect accidental overdose. As the cop cars drive by now slowly in front of my house, I regret giving the National Poison Control Center my real name.

So, no more gummy vitamins. It’s back to the gross ones. As far as this happening again, a serious talk to all the children (with special emphasis to Nameless-Kid) confirmed that they understood the seriousness of the offense.

And as for me, no more teeth brushing. I think it’ll aid my safety in jail.

Postscript: The vitamin bottle was found in the trashcan. The baby threw it away after she ate them. Maybe I’m not doing such a bad job after all.