The table
Thursday, Jun 22, 2006
Gone with the Wind is the best movie of all-time. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen it, as there just aren’t any other movies worth watching. In it, there is a character named “Melanie,” who is as sweet and kind as the day is long. My husband is like Melanie, in that he sees the best in people and is an optimist’s optimist. The sky could be falling, and he’d be happy that at least the creek ain’t rising. He never jumps to negative conclusions about a person’s character. It makes being a good wife pretty easy.
Of course, my husband and I are polar opposites. He says that I’m a pessimist, but I prefer to refer to myself as a realist. One time, we were at a closing, and the seller arrived looking a little disheveled. I immediately whispered to my husband that she was going to rob us blind. (What can I say? Somebody has to make a judgment call.) He replied that I needed to give her the benefit of the doubt. I won’t mention how that situation turned out, but I will say that I haven’t changed my ways. The total depravity of man is a doctrine I hold dear, but only because I possess so much first-hand experience.
Yet, my husband’s optimism and my own realism come together in a long-term vision we both share about our family’s future dinner table. Let me explain. Things can get crazy and wild with five small children underfoot, each of them still not contributing more than they cost in time and energy. One day they will be able to iron a shirt, use the oven, and run an errand, but for now, the bulk of the home labor rests on me.
The Amish have a saying about this division of labor: before the age of seven, children are a cost to the household; between ages 7 and 14, children pull their own weight; and after the age of 14, children contribute positively to the household economy. My oldest son is eight-years-old now, but since he eats so much, I still consider him in the first category. In case you’re keeping score, that leaves our house with two contributors and five consumers.
I cite the Amish example as proof that things will improve, though. It will get better; it will get easier. When the going gets rough, my husband and I will put the kids in bed, and with the house still and quiet, discuss the future. With his optimistic confidence, my husband will relate to me details about our future, and I will grudgingly agree, but only because he uses facts and Bible verses. I hate being outwitted.
The picture, the future hope that we imagine for our family involves our dinner table. It will be full—with people, with noise, with food, with blessing. The table will have grandchildren squished in around it and the chairs will all be too close. There will be plenty of girls to help in the kitchen and energetic boys (trying to be men) to bring in firewood. The candles will drip wax and the dressing will spill, but I will be godly enough by then not to care about the damaged tablecloth. It will be even louder than our current dinner table, but I’ll probably be hard-of-hearing by then anyway.
In the meantime, I work because the day is coming that we will enjoy the fruit of all our labor, not only here but in heaven as well. It is a glorious hope, not over-imagined by my husband’s optimism and not diminished by my ill-tempered realism. I look forward to it with much hope. Imagine that.
Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD,
who walks in his ways!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the LORD.
~Psalm 128:1-4
24 Comments
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Sounds like a real legacy to me. That is the difference between living and living for God. So often we get caught up in the worldly living that we forget that our efforts here are to Glorify our Father and instill a legacy of love in our children and in our children’s children.
Thanks for a great post. This one I will forward to wifey. Mandatory blog reading for her!
Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Bryan (June 22, 2006 @ 2:15 pm )
What a great encouragement. I imagine a house filled with the sound of many children. I also imagine my teenage son learning and living out his life as a man pursuing the heart of God.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Christy
Comment by christy (June 22, 2006 @ 3:42 pm )
My husband just finished Gone With the Wind and desperately wanted to see the movie, after snoozing through it multiple times that I wanted to see it.
Anyway, your comment on your full table reminded me of a snippet in The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. They have so many people hiding in their small house during WWII that they have to sit around the table sideways. And they’re so close together that the cat can walk from shoulder to shoulder as they eat. But she describes these meals as joyous happy times even though they lived under continuous fear. May your family table be just as full and happy Amy!
Comment by Beth Ann (June 22, 2006 @ 3:42 pm )
Amy,
I forwarded this one to my husband too.
Other thoughts on the family table are included in Rod Dreher’s call to sacremental living in Crunchy Cons and, not surprisingly, from Lady Lydia here http://homeliving.blogspot.com/. There’s also something in TIME, but I doubt they’re talking about olive shoots.
I’m typing this while I’m nursing my #5, six month old Veronica. I’ve got 6 1/2 more years (assuming she’s the last) and then life will be free and easy!
Yeah, right!
Kathy in MA
Comment by Kathy (June 22, 2006 @ 4:07 pm )
I’m on the fringes of legacy, having graduated four from our home, one married, no grandbabies yet. It’s a happy, noisy time when the grown children are home (frequently, with laundry and friends and friends’ laundry). My heart sings when they mention their prayers or what God is doing in their lives.
So WHY do I still need reminding of WHY I’m doing this?! Excuse me while I go wipe spit-up off my black skirt. Let us press on in well-doing and faint not! I’m seeing some glimmers of harvest, but I want to finish well!
Blessings,
Charlotte (mother of 12, ages 7mo to almost 24)
Comment by Charlotte (June 22, 2006 @ 4:56 pm )
That system works for the Amish because they only associate with other Amish. I fear that Society, Puberty and Wal-Mart are working against us.
Comment by Tim (June 22, 2006 @ 5:20 pm )
I try to make meals a family time as well. It is normal for me, but my dh didn’t grow up with this tradition and it is harder for him. I am humbled when I read of ladies like Charlotte who have so many and I think my little brood of five (3 mo-7 yrs) must be a cake walk in comparison. Thank you so much for the encouragement to stay the course and not let the belching, climbing, spilling and so forth be too discouraging. I have to remember to treasure the conversation and being together in Jesus’ presence. It is so odd to run into people who think that I am doing something unusual by being with my family all day long. I am so thankful for my family and a husband who loves the Lord and who has a vision for our family. Amy, thank you again for your blog and for all of the encouragement it brings. God bless.
Comment by Heather (June 22, 2006 @ 5:28 pm )
Great post. I forwarded this to my sister-in-law, who shares similar views on family and living. I am the optimist here and my husband would say he is a realist…together I think it is a good balance.
Thanks for another encouraging post.
I am waiting for a book!
Comment by Wendy (June 22, 2006 @ 6:23 pm )
Beautiful, Amy.
Comment by Andrea (June 22, 2006 @ 8:00 pm )
I agree with Andrea.
Lovely post, Amy.
Comment by Janet (June 22, 2006 @ 9:31 pm )
Oh I have always SOOOOO wanted to be a “Melanie”. Whenever I have watched that movie I am so drawn to Melanie. I think to myself, “I could be like her if I really try.” After I watch that movie, I will try really hard to act like her, but I can never keep it up for long.
Comment by Jennifer (June 22, 2006 @ 11:07 pm )
I like that Amish “equation”-makes sense. It encourages me to know that in a few years I’ll at least have one “pulling their own weight!” I sometimes try to be “pioneer woman” and wonder how in the world they did everything that was required of them. But it’s helpful to know that even the Amish acknowledge the “cost to the household” that younger ones are (gotta love’em though- that’s why God made them sooo cute!!) Thanks again!!
Anita
BTW, in our family, I’m the optimist and my husband is the pessimist (he also calls himself a realist!) Maybe that’s why I like you so much!
Comment by Anita (June 23, 2006 @ 9:08 am )
I just wanted to add that I LOVE Gone With the Wind. My husband and I just watched it last night. I have tried for 3 yrs to get him to and yesterday while we were playing yahtzee I just put it in. He was glued!
Thank you for this blog. You truly are a lovely person. I too am a fellow “realist” and am trying to be more like my husband and Heavenly Father.
Comment by Tami (June 23, 2006 @ 9:15 am )
Amy,
The Amish saying is true. Chris (17) and Maggie (15) make it possible for our family to take on responsibilities that Debbie and I could never handle on our own, and Matthew (11) is pulling more weight every day.
We need to keep in mind, though, that the contribution our children make depends on what we require them to do and allow them to do. Debbie’s household burden got significantly lighter when she gave each of the three older children responsibility for one of the three younger ones—dressing them, brushing their teeth, changing their diapers, putting them to bed, checking on them when they’re fussing. And I’m constantly surprised by how much responsibility the kids will take when I let them—slaughtering chickens, securing the chicken coop, daily chicken chores, moving and stacking wood, watering the garden, mowing the lawn and the fields, hauling rocks from the creek.
I’m sure that many of your readers are working their way out of the same mindset I was raised with, where asking a child to make a tangible contribution was tantamount to robbing them of their childhood. And I’m sure it’s possible to swing too far in the other direction, unfairly burdening them with work that we should do ourselves or maybe not do at all. But for now we’re figuring out how to engage our children in the family economy as fully as possible, not because we think they should pay their own way but because we want them to have a real stake in increasing the family wealth, a wealth in which they are entitled to share. The trick we’re still learning is to treat them like partners without treating them like peers (or slaves).
Comment by Rick Saenz (June 23, 2006 @ 9:45 am )
I love this post! I love the idea of also having a dinner table like that in the future!
I used to obsess over Gone With the Wind in Junior High. I read that book over and over. But I really never liked the movie too much. (I rarely like books turned movie…) and have really gotten over the book. Maybe I just burned myself out on it!
Comment by Bethany (June 23, 2006 @ 10:18 am )
Amy,
I love the humorous way you view life. I am definitely a realist like you. (Where would this world be without realists to balance out the optimists?)
Thank you for reminding us of why we labor. May we sow many good things in our children’s lives now so we will reap abundantly.
Comment by Christine (June 23, 2006 @ 11:51 am )
I always had this picture in my mind of how wonderful it would be to have a large table with lots of family around it. It is a beautiful aspiration….getting there is the hard bit. In my picture everyone is smiling and well behaved.The reality for me is currently one child and a very small table with no room for expansion……but the pictrue is still lovely!
Comment by Susanna (June 23, 2006 @ 4:16 pm )
Great entry. Thank you. I live among a large Amish community. Your words made me chuckle (and nod my head).
Blessings!
Comment by Kim (June 23, 2006 @ 4:49 pm )
That’s one of my favorite scriptures. Love the picture of the vines and olive shoots - mostly because I’m always working with someone (or something) tangled around my feet! My three older ones are pulling their weight more now, and it is beautiful to watch.
Comment by Katherine (June 23, 2006 @ 8:10 pm )
When I had 5 children I felt like I was going under fast. I never could seem to get everything done and I felt terrible about it. Now my oldest is 14 and I have 8, pregnant with my ninth and I hardly ever do dinner dishes anymore, hardly ever clean a bathroom, and only do about 1/2 the laundry. It really is true, it does get easier. And the rewards for training early (Which I didn’t do a great job of, suffering from the mindset Rick mentioned when mine were smaller)are so great. It is a wonderful satisfaction to look at your children gathered around the table (We always do dinner together too) and know that you feel very good about the people they are becoming, and it helps you to have a greater confidence in raising those smaller ones who are still a bit rough yet.
Hang in there Amy, (And any other aspiring moms of many to be.) There is nothing richer, and God is indeed faithful.
Comment by kerri (June 23, 2006 @ 8:42 pm )
Here’s a picture of hope for you, Amy:
May you and your family always have Rockwell Thanksgivings.
Comment by sprittibee (June 24, 2006 @ 10:16 am )
I guess your comments section doesn’t allow the tag. Oh, well… you can click over and view it here:
Rockwell’s Thanksgiving
Comment by sprittibee (June 24, 2006 @ 10:17 am )
Very Beautifully put! I love your way of looking at life. Most of us, ahem, would be trying to change our spouse to having our outlook instead of enjoying the humor of it the way you do. Your family sounds fun!
Comment by Susanne (June 25, 2006 @ 4:01 pm )
Amy, I found so much encouragement in this post. As a mother of four young children it can be easy to lose perspective. This was a wonderful reminder to look down the road!
I have been listening to a song by Sara Groves title Kingdom Comes. I don’t know that she is talking about parenting/mothering per se but I have been interpreting it as such. I love the picture of building/growing –these are some of the words:
When fear engulfs your mind
Says you protect your own
You still extend your hand
You open up your home
When sorrow fills your life
When in your grief and pain
You choose again to rise
You choose to bless the name
That’s a little stone that’s a little mortar
That’s a little seed that’s a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom’s coming
In the mundane tasks of living
In the pouring out and giving
In the waking up and trying
In the laying down and dying
That’s a little stone that’s a little mortar
That’s a little seed that’s a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom’s coming
Comment by wendym (June 28, 2006 @ 12:09 pm )