Several years ago, we had this neighbor. I don’t remember anything about him—not even his name—only that he had the two biggest dogs on the planet. He was fixing up his house to sell, and so he spent a lot of time on the front yard landscaping.

These two dogs went everywhere with my neighbor. When he jumped into his pickup, they followed. When he took out the trash, those dogs followed. When he worked in his yard, they sat guard on the lawn—without a leash.

At the time, I had a newborn and a toddler, and I’d wave politely from a distance. Usually I’m friendlier than that, but I didn’t want to take any chances. These dogs were big—about the size of horses, those big Amish work horses. These dogs were vicious, too. I didn’t have proof of this; I just knew because of the size of their fangs. What if I got too close with my babies and one of them sneezed? We’d get blown across the street (and you didn’t want to go in those people’s yard; trust me).

One day I needed to talk about a matter with my neighbor. I called to him. He waved and told me to come on over. I waved back and casually invited him over to my turf. However, he won because he was up on a ladder. (I took a mental note to buy a ladder.)

As usual, those two big dogs were parked on the lawn. They stared me down. I scooped up my babies, balancing one on each hip—which incidentally was the perfect height for them to bend down and take a bite. I tiptoed. I held my breath. I smiled to cover up the fact that I was about to have a nervous breakdown.

“Oh, they won’t bother you,” my neighbor reassured me. I wanted to scream, What?! Well, then why HAVE them?! Why not get a few pink flamingos for the lawn or something?! Instead, I just discussed whatever it is I was there for and tried to control the shaking in my voice.

How did this guy ever have any friends?

I was thinking about my neighbor and his breathing, trotting security system as I read a dog-training manual this weekend. Most of you know my reluctance about getting a dog, er, my husband’s dog. But it’s time to make lemonade, folks. Did you know you could train a dog to pick up toys? Did you know you could train a dog to open doors, turn off lights, and get the mail? While I’m at it, I plan to train him how to get a job, too. Right after I teach him to show his fangs to the neighbors.

Knox

We pick up Knox on Friday.