Picky eaters
Saturday, Feb 3, 2007
Every family has their own table rules, and our house is no different. At mealtime, I’m not a short-order cook, except when we have a cold breakfast or sandwiches. It is my job to serve 21 meals a day (7 x 3), and it’s easiest when everyone is required to eat the same thing.
We tried different “rules” and such when our children were younger, but quickly settled into the one method that seemed to work best for us. We’ve had the same “rules” for about five years, now.
We don’t require our children to eat everything that is served, though we do make it a game to try every new thing. But if they dislike what is set before them, they are required to wait until the next meal or eat fruit. (No peanut butter sandwich or separate dinner.) Fruit is our official all-the-time snack; nobody has to ask permission to grab a banana. I try not to create battles, knowing that they come along just fine on their own. If a child decides to forgo what is served, grows “tired” of fruit, and then whines about their being hungry, nobody freaks out. The child simply is sent to his room so the rest of us can enjoy a pleasant dinner.
I like my children to be happy just like the next parent, but it is important to guard against indulging their appetites. Their appetite for candy is physical; their appetite for the world’s candy is spiritual. Better to teach them early on not to act on impulse, get along, and not require special treatment. Get wisdom. Use self-control. Allowing children to have whatever they want, whenever they want will not make them fit to serve the King.
So, my oldest decides last night that he doesn’t like what we’re having. No problem. The vultures move in and my middle daughter is quick on her feet, “Well, then can I have your roll?” Even the dog wagged his tail.
“In the Holy Spirit’s leading of the soul through the stripping of what may be called ‘consecrated self,’ and its activity, it is important that there should be a fulfillment of all outward duty, that the believer may learn to act on principle rather than on pleasant impulse.”
~Jessie Penn-Lewis
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We have similar rules. I am often told that I “lucked” out because my children have adult tastes. I just think it is because they are made to taste everything and if they do not like it, no big deal. I just refuse to make something different. It has worked well. My 8 year old now knows how to be polite and eat something he does not care for when we are guests in someone’s home.
Julie
Comment by Julie (February 3, 2007 @ 5:02 pm )
As usual, Amy, you’re dead-on. And aside from serving the King, indulged behaviour of this sort also makes people unfit to accommodate other people. Learning this very important “grown-up” rule is one of the first things that I think children should do.
Brava. Again!
Comment by Mrs. P. (February 3, 2007 @ 5:46 pm )
Good advice; love the fruit rule…will implement that one here soon!
Comment by Lindsey (February 3, 2007 @ 6:39 pm )
I stumbled on your blog from Kim’s, from Lisa’s… anyway. I love this entry. It reminds me of an excerpt from the book Hints On Child Training by Henry Clay Trumbull (written 100 years ago) - talking about teaching your children self-denial. My children are still very small, (3 yrs and 9 mos), but I loved your words on this subject. Happy blogging!
Comment by KeriYoung (February 3, 2007 @ 10:02 pm )
What did you make?
Comment by Andrea (February 3, 2007 @ 11:15 pm )
Chicken Pot Pie from the MOMYS cookbook. I love that recipe, because I can make several at one time and freeze them all.
Comment by Amy Scott (February 3, 2007 @ 11:17 pm )
Amen! The other night at our restaurant, a mother brought microwave mac n cheese (YUK), and asked the waiter to fix that for her kids. We’re a fine dining restaurant, and don’t have kid’s meals, per se, but why wouldn’t you want your kids to eat what we have, maybe just in smaller portions. For example, we have some customers who have always brought their grandchildren in since they were toddlers. Now they are nine and ten year olds who love swordfish, grilled chicken, chevre (goat cheese), and ceasar salad! Like you said, indulge their desires, make them special meals, etc., makes it tough going for them as they get older, and you aren’t around to make sure they never have to (Heaven forbid!) eat something they’re not sure of!
Good post.
CJH
Comment by Carla (February 4, 2007 @ 10:45 am )
Amy,
One thing that you should check into prior to purchasing your land in rural America, is whether or not Internet service and cell phone service is available. I’m assuming that since your husband works from home, he need high-speed Internet. We live approx. one hour from a large Midwestern city in a “rural” town. Several miles out of town, high speed service is not available and further out dial up is not available. My parents live on a farm and have Internet service. The next farm behind them does not have any type of service. From what I understand this is not uncommon. Also, cell phone service is not available even though the area is covered on the Verizon maps. There are very few towers. It gives new meaning to dropped calls:)
Deanna
Comment by Deanna (February 4, 2007 @ 10:47 am )
Just so you know, I am diggin’ this post. It is so real life, and a relief to find someone who doesn’t provoke drama at the dinner table. I think this is a wonderful house rule. While I don’t make extra meals to pacify my toddlers appetites, I have been known to toss bread and fruit at them if they are totally disinterested in what is on the dinner table. I had never thought of the point you made on indulging their desires. I just didn’t want to make it a habit to fix a meal for my husband and me, then a separate one for our kids. Thanks for helping me to see a biblical reasoning behind what I chalked up to hardheadedness on my part. =)
Comment by Aubrey (February 4, 2007 @ 11:04 am )
Deanna is absoulutly right. We have no cell service here and we are only 20 minutes from a decent sized city. Actually, you just have to go OUT of our town a few miles to get service. It’s crazy.
Comment by Another Heather (February 4, 2007 @ 8:42 pm )
Wow, I have to say that I thought I’d see some comments disagreeing with a few points of your dinner time rules. But I guess I’ll jump in. Let me say first of all that I completely agree with your goal of not creating battles and not indulging appetites. However, I do not see the wisdom in not requiring your children to eat what is served, even if they don’t like it. What do you do when you are guests in someone’s home and your child doesn’t like the fare? Are they allowed to just sit there and not eat the meal that was prepared by the hostess? We teach our children that they do not have to like everything served but they do have to eat (some) of it. And they don’t comment on their dislikes, either. If a meal is not eaten, it is saved until the next meal and warmed up. Snacks are not allowed until the meal is eaten, or at least an admirable attempt is made. It is the heart we are concerned about and cultivating a thankful attitude for the food God provides and mom prepares. Even fruit (sweet and enjoyable to most kids) can be an indulgence, in my humble opinion, and a child can quickly learn to fill up on bananas rather than eat and appreciate the meals that are served. We do give smaller portions of known diliked portions but no one is exempt from eating a meal. So I guess I am saying that I think your rules would still be pretty indulgent in this household.
That said, I love your posts and appreciate the wisdom and wit God has granted you!
Comment by Jen in VA (February 4, 2007 @ 11:05 pm )
Good points, Jen. I suppose we allow for them to have their peculiar tastes, as you mentioned too (not giving them a big portion when you know they really don’t like it). It’s never been a problem with them turning their noses up at what I serve (in general), so I haven’t really forced the issue. I think if this were happening often (forgoing dinner several times a month for a banana), I’d have to revisit it. As it happens, everyone eats what is served.
One of the senior ladies in our church took my son out to McDonald’s and ordered him a hamburger. He came back and told me that she didn’t know to order it without onions.
I asked, “Well, what did you do?”
He replied, “I ate it. It would’ve been rude not to.” This was a few years back, and I still remember it as one of those defining moments that he was growing up fast.
Now he puts onions on everything!
Comment by Amy Scott (February 4, 2007 @ 11:19 pm )
We have similar rules,but we do encourage to try everything and eat some of it,even if it is not their favorite…the reason being we just want to teach them to be polite when they may not like something.
I’m enjoying your blog!
Kim
Comment by Kim (February 4, 2007 @ 11:21 pm )
Hi Amy,
I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your blog and am often challenged by your posts. My husband and I both read your blog regularly. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Wife
Comment by Wife (February 5, 2007 @ 11:05 am )
Great post. Some more good advice to ad to my idea pile. Thanks and God Bless!
Comment by karyn (February 5, 2007 @ 11:47 am )
We never formally stated this rule, but we follow it. My kids are better eaters than I am. We divide up what there is, and people get what they like. When we eat out, you should see us with our salads–trading cucumbers for tomatoes and giving the boys the hot peppers and onions. I do try to make at least something that everybody will eat (for instance, if I know a certain child hates a certain vegetable, I also serve a salad that that child particularly likes). After you have a certain number of kids, especially when they become teenagers and some of them are boys, it all gets eaten and those who linger, lose. My daughter has a friend who is an only child and a picky eater. She never even has a chance at seconds of anything at our house.
Comment by ruth (February 5, 2007 @ 1:36 pm )
We never formally instated it either……….it is just “known”. If you don’t like what we are having you are more then welcome to wait until the next meal. Should the next meal be breakfast in 12 hours………..that was your decision.
Works well for us……….we have stubborn ones that I wouldn’t have wanted to “make” them eat it, KWIM?
I love your blog!
Comment by Candi (February 5, 2007 @ 8:29 pm )
I like your method, sounds good!! I do have a question, however…do you specifically teach your kids to eat WHATEVER they are served if they’re at somebody else’s house? If not, what do you do or how do they respond? Just curious.
Comment by Kristy (February 5, 2007 @ 8:33 pm )
Kristy,
Whenever we’ve been invited somewhere, it’s always been “family” or “buffet-style.” They usually take what they like, and pass on other things. There is usually such a variety that it is easy to pass on some things, just because there isn’t room on your plate. Isn’t this what adults do?
I think the only places we’ve been that food is served on a prepared plate is a wedding dinner (where children aren’t invited). That said, I suppose if they were served something unusual, I’d give “the look” to the big kids, and they’d eat it.
We have people over fairly often, and I try to have such a variety to choose from so that there is something for everyone. That doesn’t mean that I cook two main dishes or anything (just chicken), but that there are plenty of choices –potato salad, fruit salad, rolls, whatever– so that nobody feels awkward or hungry. I also ask about diet requests beforehand so that I can accomodate my guests. Sometimes, these are my-kid-won’t-eat-anything-but-mac-and-cheese requests, and I am happy to serve it. I try not to be difficult to get along with, and despite my online persona, I am happy to accomodate.
This might be more info than you asked for, but one thing I’ve noticed in good adult-child/parent relationships, is that the parents (while maybe strict) were able to laugh, have a good time, and didn’t freak out at every little thing. I try to toe-the-line with my kids, not letting them get away with junk, but at the same time, not dominating the relationship (EAT YOUR PEAS NOW) to make them perform like robots so as to make me look good. They exist to make God look good, and that happens when the gospel changes them from the inside out. There is no reason to go nuclear about peas, assuming it’s only about the peas.
I have a great relationship with my kids. If I said, “I know you hate peas, but you will eat a whole bowl full” they would. But they will resent me as teenagers if I continue to throw my parenting authority around arbitrarily, just so that they know who’s boss.
(I know that’s not what you asked but I got carried away. Sorry!)
Comment by Amy Scott (February 5, 2007 @ 10:30 pm )
Great idea on how to handle meal time. I enjoy preparing foods our family likes, but with 4 children, you can’t always come to agreement on what that is.
Blessings
Comment by GardenOfGrace (February 6, 2007 @ 10:56 am )
I guess we pretty much make the kids eat (at least some of)
what they are given. I will, however, try to alternate meals that the picky ones hate with ones they like. Occassionally, and at my complete discretion, I will allow one to get their own bowl of cereal instead of the eggs if they have had to eat alot of stuff recently that they don’t care for. Attitude about the whole situation plays a factor as well. They never expect to get an alternate and they are grateful for the break. I struggle with the piddling at mealtime!! They can take forever to eat. We have put a time limit on meals and if they are not finished they lose their plate and no snacks till the next meal.
Comment by Another Heather (February 6, 2007 @ 11:42 am )
We require our children to eat what is given them as well. I know the items which cause the most problems and I do avoid them at times just to avoid ” I don’t like those”, “you have to eat it anyway” kind of conversation. We also have a rule that if an adult gives a child some food and it is more then they can eat, they do not have to finish it. But if a child gets themselves food, then they have to finish what they took.
We have recently changed to having the big meal at noon and a smaller meal in the evening (this works great!). So the children know that if they don’t finish their meal (or at least make a good try at it), they do not get dessert nor do they get a snack. I’m not a drill sgt. when it comes to food. But I make it clear that even if they don’t like everything being served, they have to try it and not complain about it.
Jennifer
Comment by Jennifer D (February 7, 2007 @ 4:18 pm )
We have a rule that in order to have morning tea they have to eat breakfast, or afternoon tea they have to have eaten lunch. Here, the grocery store is difficult to get to and food is more expensive, so I tend not to let the kids graze.
My son is in kindergarten and if he doesn’t eat his vegetables then he doesn’t get a treat in his morning tea.
Comment by Leslie (February 9, 2007 @ 6:22 am )
i think it is amazing how few picky eaters a family develops when their children are not given unhealthy options to fill the gaps (candy/sweets) left when the child didn’t eat what was served or the mother doesn’t turn herself into a short order cook, serving different meals for each child according to their narrow preferences. to say nothing of what poor preparation that is for real life. how often are we able to have true choice about all the circumstances that come into our lives? our main choice relates to our response to the circumstance. way to go! martha
Comment by martha (February 9, 2007 @ 1:44 pm )
We don’t always have fruit, but we always have Cheerios.
Sometimes when I say, “Cheerios or nothing,” my daughter says that she doesn’t like either choice, but she knows that’s the rule after dinner is done. After a few pitiful looks for symphathy (no one’s mind is ever changed), she’ll generally go get herself some Cheerios if she’s still hungry.
Comment by Elizabeth B (February 10, 2007 @ 3:04 am )
Amy-
Thanks for the more-experienced-mom tip on eating fruit if the meal is rejected. I have often wondered how to address my kids’ dislikes, while still making sure they are few adequately. Thank you!
Comment by maryanne helmsq (February 10, 2007 @ 12:04 pm )
My DH and I once saw a program on some news magazine about this very issue. Families for whom mealtime was a battlefield because the parents “had” to make special meals for each child or throw out what they’d planned because Princess didn’t like it. The psychologist or specialist or whatever who was observing these families said, Let them go hungry one meal and see what happens. No child in America will die from starvation missing one meal. Of three families, only ONE went through with it and the difference were AMAZING. I asked my daughter, who was about 10, “If you came in for dinner and wanted hamburgers and we were having chicken, what would you eat?” She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Chicken.”
Great post and great rules for the family!
Comment by Nancy the Romancechick (March 4, 2007 @ 8:35 am )
I must have been a picky eater as a child, because after a dinner at my friend’s place where I made a fuss over them broiling instead of frying a steak, I learned from my errors. “You are not welcome here for dinner again.” Oops! So since the age of seven, I’ve eaten many a thing I would have closed my mouth at before.
My problem is husbands that are picky eaters. I’m not married. But many of my married friends have spouses who refuse to eat what’s put in front of them. And, “being good Christians,” my friends have “submitted” and never told their husbands how much this rejection hurts them. It’s been the beginning of several marriages turning cold.
As a result, I took the tune of “Ring My Bell” and made up new lyrics. Check out “Go Sleep on the Couch” at http://www.fatsheep.org/lyrics/humour/ringmybell.php. You’ll probably get a laugh from them.
It’s also a reminder to us moms of why we don’t want to coddle our children.
Comment by jean (April 14, 2007 @ 8:11 am )
apparently this isn’t open for anyone to post an honest opinion of what they think. its not very “christian” to delete postings by others just because they have opposing opinions/views. wwjd? well i think He would let everyone have their own opinion, as well as personal preferences in food.
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” — NIV, Matthew 7:12
Comment by me (June 14, 2007 @ 10:24 pm )
Dear “me” at “nowhere” dot com,
I deleted your post because it used bad language, and I don’t subject readers of this site to it. Feel free to try your comment again; in fact, I’d enjoy the dialogue.
Comment by Amy Scott (June 15, 2007 @ 7:53 am )
when i added to this post, it distinctively said “mail will not be published.” could you please follow this rule? Thanks.
Comment by me (June 16, 2007 @ 12:02 am )
and “crap” is not bad language by the way.
Comment by me (June 16, 2007 @ 12:02 am )
“Me,” I actually do find your word selection inappropriate, and I appreciate Amy’s willingness to filter comments to avoid that kind of thing. Not that Amy needs anyone to defend her, but your antagonism towards Amy for choosing to delete a comment that she deemed inappropriate for HER blog is a bit ridiculous, don’t you think?
Comment by Lisa (June 17, 2007 @ 10:25 am )
She said it was deleted for bad language, and I didn’t appreciate that being posted when there was no bad language used. No antagonism, just put off that this public post apparently isn’t so public. Seems as if you have to have opinions congruent with hers in order for them to show up. Variety is the spice of life, and if we live life with narrow minds and are not respectful of others’ opinions, we are in for a sheltered, naive life. I’m sorry for intruding into your online community, and I will ne sure not to offer any alternate viewpoints on this website, as not to disturb the peace. Take care.
Comment by me (June 21, 2007 @ 3:05 am )
“me” , These topics are always sensitive because as moms we pour our life into our children and it is such a large part of who we are. Whether or not we think a word is bad( or futhermore a music style, tv, or movie) is not the point. The fact that a Brother or Sister feels it is sin should be enough for us to graciously ask pardon, and in my case, many times reevaluate my own thoughts on the matter.
Give no offense, either to the Jews or to the Greeks or to the church of God, just as I also please all men in all things, not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved 1 Cor 10:32-33
Comment by Kelli (June 22, 2007 @ 7:21 am )