Fight or flight
Monday, Feb 12, 2007
In a comment box below, Kristi asked me to clarify what I meant by the phrase “insulate them within.” The direct quote was, “Rather, we purpose to teach them to love God and to resist the things of the world by insulating them within.” I’ll try to clarify my ambiguity in a few sentences here.
There is a passage in III John 1:4 that says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth,” and like many Christian parents, this is my greatest joy as well. The reason I have an unfussy hairdo and function on less sleep than a human should is so that my children will walk in truth. We try to live life intentionally—sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed—with the end goal of seeing our children love and obey God.
The “how” is what we quibble over. Each generation benefits from the one before, while wrestling with their compatriots about the particulars they face. Some of the issues our grandfathers didn’t take on quite like us are: the technology explosion, rampant sexuality masked as freedom, increased moral relativity, and violence as recreation.
Since there is nothing new under the sun, we have to apply ancient wisdom to our present godless culture. The debate concerning the Christians’ response to the world is usually referred to as a “fight or flight” one. Each side paints the other in hyperbole. In one corner, you have the fundamental wacko (always a homeschooler) who locks their children away from the world in order to be holy, forgetting that they locked themselves away with a bunch of sinners. In the other corner, you have the culturally sensitive Christian who becomes so like the world that he is indistinguishable from it, all in the name of saving it at the peril of his own soul.
The answer to the “flight or fight” debate is not a compromise of the two, but rather a combination of them. The Bible teaches both, not because it is contradicting itself or is postmodern, but because this is the way that God keeps us both separate and holy. God shows His glory through His people who are like Him, not like the world. And God shows His glory to the world through His people who are in it, not out of it. In this way, we are in the world, but not of it. (John 17:15-19)
Which brings me back to my comment about insulating children within. The path to holiness is not one in which the environment is hyper-controlled so that you have the easiest time being holy, but it does begin that way. We all control our children’s environment very much while they are young in order to teach them what is good and what is evil. This is external insulation.
We cannot always do this, however. Using the example I gave in the earlier post, they will eventually hear that four-letter-word somewhere. Did they first hear it in a context wherein we can talk about what God has to say about it? (Or do we freak out and ban all grocery stores in the name of “holiness”?) Are we instructing them how to work through what they encounter in this fallen world and how to process it with reference to the glory of God? This is internal insulation.
As children grow, parents rely more on the internal controls they have worked to develop in their children (self-control) and less on the external ones. Every parent does this to varying degrees. What we argue about (and still will) is how much for how long. For this, we must look to God for wisdom for our children, keeping in mind that there is no greater joy than to hear that our children walk in truth and that whatever sacrifice this requires is more than worth it.
My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.
~John 17:15-19
21 Comments
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Said so well, as usual. Thanks for the encouragement.
Comment by Shannon (February 12, 2007 @ 5:09 pm )
That was perfectly said. As a young Christian mother, I struggle with this daily. I have struggled to put into words what you just did. Thank you! I love your blog and have been visiting it for awhile now. You are an inspiration!
Comment by Christy (February 12, 2007 @ 5:25 pm )
wow Amy, that was so well said. I think you nailed that squarely. I know I couldn’t have put that into words so well.
Great thoughts, thank you for giving us brain food.
Comment by Jenny in Ca (February 12, 2007 @ 6:00 pm )
What more can be said? Nothing. Well said.
If you overprotect your child, then you must be prepared to parent you child all their lives because they won’t be able to make any real decisions for themselves. I know of a 13 year-old girl who lives in a very protected environment. When they come over to eat, she asks her mom, “Mommy, wht do I want to eat? Poor thing.
Comment by Rhonda (February 12, 2007 @ 6:42 pm )
Amy,
.
See, I wasn’t so bad for letting Emma watch MTV, I was just showing her what not to do
Comment by Half-eaten chocolate cake (February 12, 2007 @ 7:01 pm )
AMEN!
This morning I was reading Hudson Taylor to my daughters, we came to the part where Hudson and his co-laborers went to a Buddhist Temple. They were shown a “holy man” that was WILLINGLY closed off from all of the world as not to come in contact with evil. He had only a small opening just large enough for a hand as his means for a little food and light. How sad! I stopped to make sure my youngest was paying attention and that she understood the situation. Her comment was, “That’s dumb, you protect your heart from wickedness, not lock your whole body away!” :o) It was one of those moments that reassures me that they are ‘getting it’!!! Which is ONLY by God’s grace!
Comment by Kathy, Jeff's Wife (February 12, 2007 @ 7:01 pm )
Years ago, Michael Pearl used the phrase “insulate from within” in one of his newsletters. I thought it was a great encapsulation of exactly what we hope for as parents and you articulated it as well.
As we’ve raised our children it is truly a balancing act. We are raising our chilren to release them as ambassadors for His Word in a broken world. That means they will have to have the discernment necessary to understand the folly of this world and the strength to reject it. And as the scripture says and I can personally attest there is truly no greater joy than seeing them walk in the Truth.
Comment by Spunky (February 12, 2007 @ 8:08 pm )
Nicely done!
Me either. We’ve gotta eat!
Like you, I wish to teach my children self-control, not to have them live in a bubble. Why is this so hard for people to understand? Yes, we’ve chosen to remove some negative influences from our home, like television, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll live in a cave and never see how others live.
Although, banning trips to the grocery store kinda sounds nice. (Wasn’t I just there last week?!) Think I can get out of shopping in the name of holiness?
Comment by Kimberly (February 12, 2007 @ 8:33 pm )
Great post, Amy!
My constant frustration is *why* we feel it necessary to argue with one another though. *said with fatigue and sadness* How very much I appreciate grace-filled posts like yours and comments like these.
Each one of our families is so unique. We can still be walking in the Truth and yet have our families look very different…within a certain amount of reason, of course. Not only is each family so unique, but each child in the family is as well. What is insulating for one is “overprotecting” another. The dichotomy is a fine balancing act, but God moves and acts in our lives such that we can find it. *relieved smile*
Your post is very timely, Amy. My girls are reaching an age where the insulating is quickly becoming too much shielding…it’s an unsteady time for me, emotionally! I hate to even admit that, but I am really having to battle a lot of fear within. *sigh*
Comment by Kari @ HealedWaters.com (February 12, 2007 @ 8:53 pm )
Well said. “How much for how long” is my day-to-day struggle. I worry that I have not properly insulated them from within, and pray often that God will fill in the gaps.
Comment by Charmin (February 13, 2007 @ 7:12 am )
Very good points all. We have to raise them so they will seek truth and light for themselves, rather than continually try to shield them. That only works for 18-20 years or so, and then they’re out on their own, to sink or swim. I like it.
Comment by Stephen (February 13, 2007 @ 9:17 am )
I agree 100%! Thanks so much for putting it into words for us all! I like what you have said and these are our thoughts exactly. As believers,we can protect our children,while at the same time,teaching them how to be in the world,but not of the world. It is all about balance,Biblical training,and dealing with our children’s hearts which is a full time job,no matter how many children you have!
I appreciate this post VERY much!
Kim
Comment by Kim (February 13, 2007 @ 12:16 pm )
Just happened on your site today. My wife and I have been laboring over the public vs. private christian vs. homescooling decision. What a great encouragement this was to me today, I will be back!
Comment by Mark from Alabama (February 13, 2007 @ 4:58 pm )
I agree, very well said.
I just wanted to add that before you (not just you, Amy, but everyone reading) pass judgement upon parents that maybe sheltering their children “too much”, think of how your upbringing has affected your own parenting. Those whose upbringing were less than stellar or experienced traumatic things; those experiences have given the parents wisdom enough to know how to avoid allowing it to happen to their own children and they will do everything (emphasis and I do not know how to do bold italics here!)in their human power to keep their children safe. Ultimately, the Lord is in control, but He also allowed these parents, wise parents I might add, to experience what they did so they knew how to raise their children differently. He is sovereign. These parents want to raise godly children too, but they also desire to keep their children safe. Please show grace and love, especially when you do not know the background to the situation.
I am speaking generally and realize that there are certain situations where the parents maybe in the wrong, but the majority of parents want what is best for their children. That best just may not mirror your best for your children.
I also realize that the Lord sometimes still allows traumatic things to happen to our families. And I know that this is a bit of a rabbit trail off the original post, but I believe these parents do desire to train their children from the inside out, some of them may just be at different place on the road in doing so than some of you. Hope I have covered all my basis before I really open a can of worms!
Thoughtfully said (as opposed to belligerently or offensively or even defensively ;-)).
Posting, even though tomatoes or other rubbish may be heading my way,
Theresa
Comment by Theresa (February 13, 2007 @ 5:43 pm )
I agree. (As usual, don’t know if I have ever NOT agreed with you……but anyway.)
If we wrap our children completely in a bubble and never let them experience the real world we are not doing them any favors. They will be in such shock when they leave the nest, they won’t know what to do with themselves. It is our job to prepare them for that, so when they DO enter that world - they will be God’s light shining. They will be strong in the Lord and confident in where they are going. I feel sad for the children who are SO sheltered that they won’t be prepared for life later.
Comment by Candi (February 13, 2007 @ 7:25 pm )
Thanks for a great post, Amy. As a mother of six - one married, one in college, one on the way to college next fall and three more teenage boys at home, I am at the point of seeing them leave the nest and have rejoiced to see the fruit of homeschooling with a mix of careful sheltering and thoughtful exposure. The ratio of sheltering to exposure changes over time as we observe our children’s growing evidence of love for the Lord, self-control, and internalized values. It still doesn’t make it easy when I see them struggling with decisions and making decisions that might not be the ones I would have made, but I have to constantly remind myself that the God who is sovereign and working out his purposes in my life is also sovereignly and powerfully working out his good purposes in the lives of my believing children. But oh, it does take a lot of grace! Thanks for the reminder of John 15:17-19.
Comment by Beth P. (February 13, 2007 @ 8:12 pm )
Ahhh! I loved your post, Amy! Thanks for sharing on this! We feel like we have to homeschool (like we’d be disobedient if we didn’t….NOT that everybody needs to…..that’s just OUR convictions), and this is one of the primary reason! We really feel like we have been called to steward these little gifts/souls that the Lord has graciously given to us for a season! And our greatest JOY in watching them grow would be to see them fall in love with Jesus and treasure Him above all things! You said it all so well!!! : ) We wouldn’t have the same teaching opportunities in those “firsts” if they were in public/private school b/c we likely wouldn’t know those “firsts”!! So, in the season where those “firsts” are being exposed, we are given a sweet privilege of guiding them…..so that….by GRACE….they will one day, when they are exposed away from us (b/c they are older and not always under our direct supervision or a lot older and never under our direct supervision) they will be able to seek first the kingdom of God and respond accordingly, by grace, by grace, by grace, by grace!!!!!!! : ) Thanks again for writing on this - it was a great post!!! : )
Comment by shawnda (February 13, 2007 @ 10:03 pm )
Well said, I agree. however I also agree with Theresa.
I think there is a difference in sheltering them from the world and protecting them. I think it is our job as parents to protect our children. I think we are always focusing on the wackos instead of mainstream who are letting their children become victims because they are too busy with their own lives.
Here’s an example, my MIL was babysitting and when I arrived my 5yr old was watching Access Hollywood and watching CSI commercials and I said something about how this is NOT ok and she went off on me saying I was sheltering her too much and when she gets into the real world she’ll have a breakdown. I don’t think we need to desensatize our children or were wackos. I think there’s a balance. (Just like you said.)
A christian gal I know thought it was ok for her to go shopping for an hour while her children 5 & 6 sat in the food court drinking slushies. This is the proctecting I’m talking about.
So there’s my two cents, take it or leave it.
Blessings.
Comment by Beccy (February 14, 2007 @ 12:31 pm )
I almost commented yesterday and didn’t because I couldn’t find the right words. I may not today, either. Theresa and Beccy have great points. My husband and I are always accused of overprotecting our children. We are –if that is even possible. Our job from the Owner of these children is to teach, train, and protect them so that they grow up to be His tools to use to reach others. We control and regulate their exposure to the world so that they can develop a deep relationship with Him first, and then they will get a sense of what is out there waiting for them. We talk about evil. We talk about the traps laid in waiting for them, but we don’t dump them into them now. We protect them from pollution that hinders their relationship to the Lord. We control their friendships and even exposure to family and church activities because all of these things can replace the Lord. How many of us carry around baggage that hinders our relationship with the Lord because we were exposed too soon and without adequate preparation before we had to wrestle with Satan and his designs? I do. My husband does. We want better for our children.
Comment by Anonymous (February 14, 2007 @ 3:01 pm )
Oops, again. Anonymous is me.
Comment by Another Heather (February 14, 2007 @ 3:04 pm )
Bravo! I cannot think of anything new and different to say that has not already been said, but I loved this post! I too will have to link to it.
Thanks for putting your thoughts on “paper”.
~Angel
Comment by Angel (February 27, 2007 @ 8:29 pm )