Life With Three Under Three - #6
Monday, Feb 26, 2007
One of the things about having a houseful of babies is that you have to learn to be flexible. A lot of things can’t be helped, like this:

But there are some things you can control, like your reaction to things. Don’t freak out, don’t go nuclear, and don’t do this:

There’s a cartoon by Todd Wilson where the Dad opens the closet door and finds Mom crouched down inside. The dad is asking something like, “So how did it go today?” The caption reads, “A really dumb question.” I love it.
Moms of little ones believe in the doctrine of original sin, which is the sinful nature we inherited from Adam (Romans 5:12-21). Dealing with this sin nature –both theirs and our own—can be difficult. Some trouble arises just because of circumstances, like the leaking baby on your way out the door to church. Good planning can help with the logistics of raising a family, and sometimes you just have to flex a little.
As for the stuff that makes moms hide in the closet—fighting siblings, whining, and bad attitudes—my third unorthodox confession comes into play. When something isn’t working, we put life on hold. That is, I stop laundry, decent dinners, and the daily routine in order to get a handle on it. My husband brings home takeout, and we jump in the pool for our baths. Develop a plan of attack for the stuff that isn’t working (e.g. lazy listeners). Lack of consistency is usually the reason stuff falls apart, and so a day or two spent on putting us back on track is a lot better than hiding in the closet every other day.
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Amy - I’m still trying to convince hubby (after 3!) that we have to be flexible about the stuff that just happens with kids. I am getting better at planning ahead, though, and that helps. I love your advice about putting everything on hold to correct something that isn’t working. I’ve done this on occasion and it is so helpful, but usually I’m still trying to be supermom everyday. Which, um, doesn’t work. You’re so right - better to get the big stuff on track even if it means take out for a couple of nights!
Comment by Shannon Miller (February 26, 2007 @ 9:34 am )
I love the wisdom you are sharing with us! I am 33 weeks along with my fourth child. I’m not getting anything done past the basics. My house is neat, I won’t say clean. My kids are neat and bathed. Between sandwiches and the local restaurants, we are well fed. We are not getting much school done but I did buy some really good educational DVD’s and we are reading books. Should I feel guilty? Structure has pretty much flew out the window at this point. Is this a bad thing? Or should I just go with it? I don’t want to have the baby only to find out that we can not return to our a structured schedule. But I definetly cannot keep up with it all at the moment. I feel like my kids are in fast-forward and I am in slow-motion. By the way, I have all dd’s. They are 8, 5, and 2. Enlighten me, Amy the Humble. (Poor dh is having to really pitch in and I’m not sure I can continue to rely on him so much. He does have to work, even if it is mostly from home.)
Comment by Amanda T (February 26, 2007 @ 10:55 am )
Amy, I laughed so hard at the first photo that milk came out my nose. And I wasn’t even drinking milk!
As usual, absolute good sense here, which applies equally to most situations in life, whether involving family or business or friends.
On another note, I learned something last night: One can burned boiled eggs. Badly. Like, take-over-the-house-with-the-stink badly. Hubby managed to do this while I was away last night; he won’t give me the details, as I gather the trauma is still too fresh.
:-0
Comment by Mrs. P. (February 26, 2007 @ 11:30 am )
Amy, we have friends that call what you described “boot camp.” Everything stops until retraining occurs and things are back on track. I have heard from homeschooling moms that early on the curriculum should be character training. In other words, do laundry, meals and encourage good sibling relationships and first time obedience. Many new homeschooling moms put the learning to read at the top of the list when, in many states, (mine included), children don’t even have to be enrolled until the age of 7! It’s not that they shouldn’t learn to read earlier than that or that one shouldn’t try to teach them - it’s just that homeschooling moms with all littles need to remember they have more children than the 1 who may be school aged. Why not relax a little and focus primarily on those character issues that need work? It will make the schooling easier later! (I am not saying to ignore the state requirements - just remember what is most important). Amanda (post #2),I hope that helps you some! Don’t feel guilty about what you don’t feel you are accomplishing - feel good about all the wonderful things you are doing! God will establish your “to do” list, if you ask Him. Remember, His burden is light. Amy, your post also brought to mind something that has been mentioned over and over in the 100+ comments on this series. In order to have a “plan of attack” and “consistency” and the ability to “put things on hold”, you must stay home as much as possible when the children are all very young. When my twins were little, (#S 3 and 4 of 5 under 7) I remember telling a godly older woman that my children seemed to disobey more in public than at home. She replied,”No, they don’t. You simply don’t notice the behaviours at home because you aren’t being watched and you’re more relaxed. Attack the character issues at home that bother you when you are in public. Be consistent and you’ll begin to notice that your children don’t disobey at the grocery store anymore!” She was right. We developed a plan of attack and soon I could count on them behaving anywhere (usually)! One other thing that comes to mind is importance of transitioning to “WHY” we behave. In the early “3 under 3″ stage, children must learn to obey because Daddy and Mommy say so. As the children grow,they must obey because God says so. Use scripture a lot - maybe start with memorizing the first chapter of 1 Corinthians on loving one another. Blessings to all of you and thanks, Amy, for this awesome series! Mine are 11 down to 4 now, but many of your suggestions still apply!
Comment by Tina (February 26, 2007 @ 11:43 am )
Any suggestions on how to help train “lazy listeners”? We have realized lately that this is the main problem in our home but have not a clue on how to make them relearn to focus on us when we call them. We can be sitting 3 feet from any given child and call them by name at least a half dozen times and they only listen when our voices get raised. On the other hand, if they are in the other room and I say the word “candy” to one of the other children (or even dh), they are right there asking if they can have some. This is truth as dh tested his theory one day. If we can retrain them to answer/obey the first time then other issues will fall into place much easier. We need advice if anyone is willing to offer it. This goes for a 16 year old who is obedient but doesn’t listen worth anything. Her heart is good as gold but her hearing/focus is horrible. Thanks for any advice you other moms. You all bless me so much! And thanks Amy for doing this series. I has made me think about more than one issue that needs training.
Comment by Mrs. Damian Garcia (February 26, 2007 @ 12:15 pm )
We just did this over the weekend, kind of like a huddle-up where we all pull together and ignore the rest to reassess how things are running and make necessary changes. I keep frozen pizza in my fridge for such occasions. Once I finally let go and “allowed” myself to take such breaks, I found myself working through them better, and I’ve learned to “put everything else on pause” before we completely fall apart and DH comes home to all four of us crying.
I so appreciate the reminder that we don’t need to be super-involved in church activities and volunteering like I would usually want to be, because right now it would just be too too much!
Comment by KellyM (February 26, 2007 @ 12:22 pm )
Have any of you read the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle series by Betty McDonald? They are great! We have enjoyed reading them aloud to our children. Each chapter deals with a particular behavior that needs to be corrected. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle’s remedies are humorous fantasy (If only they were real!), but they are wondrous for helping our children step back and see themselves through others’ eyes. Sheepish grins, downcast eyes, and repentant hearts are not uncommon responses when the story hits just a little too close to home. Check them out at the library. Enjoy!
Amy, this series is great! Keep them coming! We’re all in the trenches together…doing what it takes to get through another day. I wouldn’t miss it for the world! God is faithful
Comment by Wendy (February 26, 2007 @ 2:55 pm )
Perhaps the solution to lazy listeners would be to rename all the children. “Candy” or “Popsicle” would be a start. Then they would definitely hear me even when I’m whispering.
Comment by Jo (February 26, 2007 @ 3:50 pm )
I just wrote a blog post about some of the things my boys have done last week and reading some of your posts made me realize that children are children and mom’s are the same the world over!
Comment by Martha (February 26, 2007 @ 5:51 pm )
Okay. So I need details. I really don’t grasp generalities. So what exactly do you do to get them back on track? What do you do while housework is on hold? Sit and stare at them with the “mommy eye” for 48 hours? Wait patiently in Ninja attack mode untill they whine, say no, or roll there eyes then…wammo! What exactly are some of your “plans of attack”?
I have read some really great parenting books but I always put the book down and think “Okay. That is great theory. What does it look like in real life?” Would you be willing to share specific examples. You can use psuedo names if necessary or write “in theory” as long as I know it not really in “theory” and it has worked for you. Thanks.
Comment by Stacy (February 26, 2007 @ 6:33 pm )
Jo, thanks for the laugh! I thought that might work the first couple times but they are smart enough to figure it out.
Any other ideas?
Comment by Mrs. Damian Garcia (February 26, 2007 @ 9:17 pm )
Amy, I too would like to know what you do to help “lazy listeners”. I knew what to do when I had one, and then when I had two, but now that the third one has arrived, I find that I can’t get up to go and get the 3yr old or the 2yr old with a baby attatched to the milk source! {I have done this before, but not with much success!} I have found that I can’t leave the kids unsupervised for a second or someone is getting pinched or pushed or of course arguements break out…how can I make those times where everything else is on hold very productive? Thank you for being accessible, it’s nice to know there are others out there for times like this! Counting my blessings, Stephanie
Comment by Stephanie (February 26, 2007 @ 10:24 pm )
thanks for your posts! We have about 18 months before we get home from China with our first daughter and we are in need of flexibility! Great post..
Comment by amy (February 27, 2007 @ 1:51 am )
Getting Back on Track
I leave the toys, leave the dirty dishes and house, and go for a walk with the kids. My three year old takes his tricycle and the two s (2 and 4 mo) are in the stroller. It often doesn’t matter how long we’re gone (I can walk 1/8 mile to the mailbox and back, if I really have work to do, or the 1 mile to the playground, if I have more time).
When I find myself losing some feelings of sanity, I put the older two in their bedrooms, turn on happy music for them, and let them play. If I need to take a nap, I can, otherwise I can work.
Lazy listeners: Something that is helping me with daughter (2 yr) before I give a request, ask “Look at mommy.” Then if they don’t, I simply say, “When mommy says look at me, then you must look at my eyes” I somehow forgot to teach my two year old to do this sooner, but she’s getting it. Teaching explicitly what I expect has been helpful.
Comment by Michelle (February 27, 2007 @ 10:09 am )
I haven’t been reading long, but I really can relate to the times of stopping everything and regrouping a bit. I thought I would share specifically what we do during this time in case it might help anyone else. I will also give the disclaimer that my dh is MUCH better at this than I am, though I continue to work on my consistency as well. And for better understanding- I have 5, 5 and under.
When we regroup, usually it is during a time when Dad is home to tag team the efforts, but I have done it solo before, it’s just harder. Anyway, we generally start by cleaning up the living room. Often the fact that it is messy makes the children have a harder time playing nicely, listening well, and obeying with a good attitude. Then, I try to focus on simple tasks they can help me with, like sort laundry or something that requires their obedience, but I’m not working so hard that I don’t make sure they obey. Then I get really picky. I tell them that I’m only going to call their name once, loud enough I think they can hear, and if they don’t answer, there is a consequence. I try to be extra pleasant since generally for a while there are lots of consequences, but VERY, VERY consistent. Nothing goes by- no ingoring, no scowling, no whining, no fighting, etc. until they have been doing the instant obeying thing for a while and then we try going back to normal. If it doesn’t work, then we didn’t focus on it long enough and back to square one we go.
Three other things I have found helpful for maintaining general obedience and avoiding the “crazy” house: 1. Stopping to read books. Sometimes I just get so caught up in what I need to do that I try to make the kids play too long by themselves. They get bored and tired of not having my attention. So reading a book gets some mommy time, some rest time, and some quiet activity all at once. 2. Clean up the toys. This is dh answer everytime and it works so often. When the children are restless and I’m going crazy and I can’t handle it, the first thing dh does when he comes in to help is make the children clean up their toys. Somehow it brings peace back to the situation. Of course, this isn’t a couple of days task, this is more like a 15 minutes task, but it really makes a difference during the day. 3. LAst, but certainly not least is prayer. It’s the one that I most often forget and the one that is the most helpful. When things are hard we gather all together and ask Jesus for help. After all, I need Jesus just as much as they do and it’s nice when we are all asking for his assistance together. And He answers.
Hope this is helpful.
Comment by maldrich (February 27, 2007 @ 10:12 am )
I was told at church last week that I must be the most organized mom ever. After all, I have 7 kids, homeschool 4, and manage to get to church with everyone’s hair brushed and most often everyone’s teeth too.
I used to be the most organized super mom ever. House spotlessly clean, 3 kids 4 and under, a business on the side that earned me trips to the mexican riviera and New Orleans… waaay before Katrina hit!
Then my 3rd child became 18 mos old. Life really hit! He was not a scheduled, organized kid. Neither was my 4th, 5th, 6th or 7th.
I needed to give the Lord my need to be organized, pristine clean and neat. I needed to learn to be flexible. There are times when we have taken 2 months “off” in the middle of the school year for a new babys arrival. There are times when sickness completely disrupts everything. There are times when character development takes over the house. Its ok.
My kids are learning to be flexible and lean on the Lord now… 20-15 years in advance of their mom!!
What a blessing for them!
If all my kids do is learn to read the Bible and put the Lord first in their life… if all they learn is to love the Lord thy God with all thy Heart, soul and mind… what has been done pleases the Lord.
All I am to do is do whatever I do heartily as to the Lord. I am raising my kids to the best of my ability unto the Lord… if I expect to meet someone else’s standards instead of the Lord’s I am setting myself up for failure.
We need to remember we are raising kids for eternity, not just for this life.
I hope this makes sense!!
Comment by Martha (February 27, 2007 @ 12:01 pm )
I like the jumping in the pool for the bath idea. At least everyone will be sterile. Chlorine kills lots of things…ha! Now can I go hide in the closet?
Comment by Nancy (February 27, 2007 @ 12:48 pm )
In my standard humble musing, my advice-giving is usually tongue-in-cheek. I like to be clear where the Bible is clear (don’t worship idols), but as to getting super specific, I hesitate. I don’t want to be another online persona setting up another standard that God hasn’t called you to. Plus, the minute I start doing that, my own kids will go to pot.
If your children are naughty-naughty, then ask the lady who sits behind you in church what to do. She will tell you if you are too firm or too lenient or too inconsistent. She’ll do this gladly because she’s tired of the poking and pinching and tattling too.
Yes.
My only job for the day is to BE CONSISTENT. That’s it. When I put them down for naps, instead of laying down myself, I sit outside the bedroom door. Before they go down, I remind them what is expected and what will follow if they choose to disregard my instructions. At the first giggle and thump, I’m in there. Ba-da-bing. Then I administer whatever discipline I told them I would if they didn’t stay in bed. (This is up to you and your husband; I won’t get specific here.)
Being consistent without loosing your cool or raising your voice is a full-time job to kiddos who’ve gotten used to too much wiggle room. Beginning the day with a stern talk from Dad is also a good move.
My point in this post, really, was to analyze where it’s breaking down, and talk with your husband (who knows your weak points) about how to remedy the situation. Stop doing what you’re doing because it’s not working. Get off the train; stop the madness. The reasons are different for why an 8-year-old is a “lazy listener” and why a 2-year-old is a “lazy listener.” My response to each, I think, depends on whether said lazy kid was not listening because of rebellion or because they just got distracted; one requires discipline and the other requires re-training. Either way, it all boils down to being consistent—which is more difficult to do with everyday, common distractions.
If this all fails, then try Jo’s advice in comment 8!
Comment by Amy Scott (February 27, 2007 @ 2:41 pm )
I love how KellyM called it a “huddle-up”! We do the same thing - stop everything, pull close, and just be for a little while. Then make a plan of attack, as you suggested! It seems to calm spirits, especially mine, and the children know we love them and they are important.
This has been a great series!
Comment by Elise (February 28, 2007 @ 10:37 pm )
Thanks for sharing those specifics, Amy.
I definately don’t think of you as some online persona setting others up for legalism. As for asking the lady behind me in church she would probably not be straight forward and would give me some “oh I think your children are beautiful” quote and I would be even more frustrated as to have made myself vulnerable and someone not wanting to get our relationship “messy” in order to help me grow. I think in order to really encourage one another and build each other up we need to be honest and specific. We leave our specific examples up to the other person though as “you can take it or leave it for whatever it is worth”.
When my husband and I got married someone close to us said “make sure you have a budget” and left it at that. We had no clue what a budget was and thought we had a budget because we spent everything we made, no more, no less. Now if that person would have included “this is what a budget looks like. Here is mine, look it over and use what information you can” We probably would be years ahead financially. Same with mothering. Sometimes it’s those specifics like waiting outside the bedroom (no joke, an aha moment for me) that give that leap ahead instead of fumbling around alone for the answers. Especially if we have not had any examples or experience of consistency. I understand that we often feel inadiquite (sp?) to give our examples. But remember it gives Glory to God to share what He has revealed to you. Every good and perfect gift is from above. I think that includes figuring out not to fold baby clothes :).
Okay, I’ve sounded a little to preachy. It’s late…I just wanted to say don’t be afraid to say “this is what worked for us, take it or leave it”. Which it seems to me that you wouldn’t get your feelings hurt either way.
Comment by Stacy (March 1, 2007 @ 1:28 am )
Read “Don’t Make Me Count to Three” by Ginger Plowman for some specifics! She is very scriptural, funny and heartwarming. What a convicting and encouraging book! She says her book is the practical side of “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tripp. Don’t worry, it’s a quick read.
It will help whoever reads it. Enjoy!
Comment by Craig'sWifeTiff (March 2, 2007 @ 4:37 pm )
The whole ‘ask the lady who sits behind you in church’ made me laugh out loud. I remember the humiliating Sunday when my beautiful baby girl began gently swaying in the pew, chanting ‘dog poop, dog poooooooop’. It was during prayer time, and the church was dead quiet. I kept my head bowed but reached for her, and she slithered away, still chanting, just a little bit louder. I gave her a firm no nonsense look and said quietly “NO!” And she began to chant even louder. I whisked her up and out the door we went for some special time together, just the two of us. The lady behind us at church said, and I quote, “You need to learn to relax. Your children are sweet, and they always seem more awful to the mother than anyone else. Why Cara was not hurting anyone, and was just as cute as she could be, singing to herself.” Methinks the woman behind us was just a wee bit deaf.
I think that when the children are restless, they need activity. Let them wear themselves out. Really. Tired children raise no cain. And the physical activity will make YOU feel better too.
Lots of love to you all.
Comment by Debby (October 5, 2007 @ 5:46 pm )
Looks like baby needs some rubber pants.
Comment by Barb (November 13, 2007 @ 3:13 pm )