How to disagree with your husband
Thursday, Jun 21, 2007
By the title of this entry, I hope you won’t assume that Greg and I are in a big fight. We’re not. It’s just that I’ve been meditating on these words as I consider how we are instructed to get along with one another.
Now, I’m not considering matters of sin but of conscience. Sometimes women are prone to bandwagons, which seem good in themselves. Some of them even come with proof texts. The problem is that sometimes the good thing violates a larger principle. And sometimes our contrarians are just saving us from ourselves. We need wisdom if our suffering is to be for Jesus’ sake and not for our own stupidity:
Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Galatians 5:26 – 6:3 ESV)
May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Rom 15:5-6 ESV)
And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:14-18 ESV)
The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will. Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart. To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice. (Proverbs 21:1-3 ESV)
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives– when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (I Peter 3:1-2 ESV)
26 Comments
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Amen sister,
Awsome post, love your site
Blessing
Renee
Comment by Renee Stam (June 21, 2007 @ 10:38 am )
Amy -
This is a post dear to my heart. I see so many marriages in trouble all around me, and most, if not all, can trace the problem right back to disobeying this most important scripture. Women are not taught to be subject to their husbands anymore; indeed, they are being taught just the opposite: to be independent thinkers, to be able to take care of themselves just fine, thank you very much, and above all else reach for the stars (career wise), disregarding the welfare of their husbands and children. Trying to be an older, wiser (Titus 2 and Proverbs 31) woman, my advice is often to gently and lovingly look at the situation, praying that perhaps they could be being selfish when it comes to their husbands’ wishes and desires, but I mostly get blank stares. You are a wonderful role model and example to young women in their 20’s and 30’s who are just starting out. I have told many about your website, and can only hope they read it and learn from it. Oh, that I had something like this to read in my younger years! God Bless you, Amy, and may He be with you in this life-changing move you are contemplating!
C. Hays
Comment by C. Hays (June 21, 2007 @ 10:56 am )
Those are excellent truths to remember in any disagreement with anyone, especially husbands. But I have never seen the title of your post effectively dealt with — what to gently, kindly, and graciously say if one’s husband’s thinking is on the wrong track in a certain situation.
Comment by Barbara H. (June 21, 2007 @ 11:22 am )
This is truly beautiful!!! I find soooo many times if I just close my mouth things are so much better. The sinful me can say things that don’t need to be said. To be subject to your husband is not a bad thing. When they love you as Christ loves the Church, it’s a beautiful thing!!!!
Comment by Tracy from Ky (June 21, 2007 @ 1:29 pm )
Your post makes me think of a current marital situation that I am aware of. At first, I tended to think,”Oh, poor her,” only having her side of things, and being shocked at the situation in itself. But an older, wiser woman reminded me of the fact that in all the marital conflicts she has seen in her lifetime, there wasn’t just one at fault- they both were for one reason or another. Once I heard this and looked back on the events I had just heard about, many things fell into place for me. Now I cannot pity the woman, and feel nothing but sadness at the turn of events. All this to say, even when we want to think we are ’suffering’, we need to stop and make sure it is isn’t just non- submission creeping in. Of course, you said it much better.
Comment by Valerie@Consider It Done (June 21, 2007 @ 1:47 pm )
[...] How to disagree with your husband (Amy Scott): Don’t let this title scare you. Nicely said. [...]
Pingback by Around the Web « Gloria Filiorum Patres (June 21, 2007 @ 3:46 pm )
[...] is why I was so relieved when I read Amy’s post from today. Although she wrote it in the context of marriage, I don’t think it’s too far of a [...]
Pingback by Centering the Clay » Treadmills and trash (June 21, 2007 @ 8:50 pm )
You’ve pointed to some great reminders, Amy, of how we are to live with our husbands. I’m encouraged that you were thinking of these things while you and Greg weren’t in a big fight, and I’m sure your marriage bears fruit of this discipline to think ahead of how to respect your husband in the midst of disagreement. Greg has found something worth far more than rubies, indeed!
Comment by Lisa (June 22, 2007 @ 10:07 am )
I do believe in the power of silence. Winning a husband without a word gives God a chance to speak to him on my behalf. Sometimes I just need to shut up and get out of the way and then God can do the talkin’!
I am always surprised at how the Holy Spirit can convict of sin without me barging in there to say my piece!
However, there ARE times when to remain silent is wrong and in those times, we must have grace and wisdom to speak the truth in love.
Comment by Elizabeth (June 22, 2007 @ 11:52 am )
Yes, in that repectable behavior silence is key…usually!
Eph 5:33 “Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.” We as ladies always need the love and men are always encouraged to love us, but when have you been encouraged to repect your husband. I started telling my husband ‘I repect you” and then telling him a ‘why’ I respect him. It goes a very long way. Just as their love is to be unconditional toward us our respect is to be unconditional toward them! If we have this balance in our marriages we can thwart many a conflict!
Amy, if you have any readers that need help in this area here is a great website http://www.loveandrespect.com Very Scriptural! Thanks for your website
Comment by L (June 22, 2007 @ 12:24 pm )
For the last post I read love and respect but found that a few verse were taking out in contexte I enjoy Brian Chapel “each for thte other” better is was biblicaly sound and had good doctrine and was writtin by a pastor and not and psycologist!
Comment by Renee Stam (June 22, 2007 @ 12:41 pm )
Are you proof texting, Amy?
TEASING!
Comment by Holly (June 22, 2007 @ 5:31 pm )
Totally off topic, but did you see the news article about morning sickness and breast cancer?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070622/hl_nm/morningsickness_dc
Some good news for you after all your suffering.
Comment by Stephanie (June 22, 2007 @ 10:27 pm )
Amy: how does the verse “be ye subject one to another” fit into the idea of respectful disagreement/submission?
Comment by Elizabeth (June 22, 2007 @ 10:47 pm )
Excellent reminders Amy. Thank you.
A note concerning the reference to the currently popular book/website Love & Respect:
Although Ephesians 5:33 does indeed command wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives, there is much about this particular book that should be of grave concern when laid side-by-side with God’s Word.
Here is a link to an in-depth critique of the book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs
Comment by emily (June 24, 2007 @ 4:31 pm )
Usually when hubby disagrees with something I’ve bandwagoned on, he’s the one who’s right. I believe God gave me my husband for many reasons, one of them being to save my from my own short-sightedness. Thankfully, at the same time, God has granted me wisdom of my own. I trust my husband because I trust God with my husband.
Comment by Kate (June 24, 2007 @ 7:55 pm )
[...] comments/questions arose from my last entry: 1. Amy: how does the verse “be ye subject one to another” fit into the idea of respectful [...]
Pingback by Amy’s Humble Musings » Submission (June 24, 2007 @ 9:25 pm )
I’m sorry but I will disagree (probably a first on this site!). Men and women are equal. Acting together in partnership - as equals - is exactly the key to a good marriage. Acting the modest, subservient wife is only key to you living a quietly miserable life. Women have been subjugated for centuries to men and you all - with all of you just agreeing with one another and no one offering a different opinion! - don’t help. I am not an ultra feminist, just a realist and a woman who loves her husband. Go ahead and attack me now.
Comment by Rachel (June 27, 2007 @ 8:57 pm )
Thanks Rachel for your honnesty but I have to say that yes Men and women are in the eyes of God equale, are we made trhe same, no certernaly not. We are diffrent and have diffrent purpose. We are made one for the other.
For submission, this word have had such a bad reputation just because some sinners have use their autority in the wrong way.
Jesus is our exemple of true submission, He died on the cross out of His submission, anf God the father is the perfect exemple of true autority and Men should look at this exemple to be the head of the house.
Being submissive does it mean not talking not having an oppignion, not at all, we as women have the duty to guide our husband (without manipulation) and sumit to their final decision, knowing full well that they are under God and will be judge ever more severly. Can’t we expect of them perfection, of course not, they still are sinner but God commended us to sumbit without condition (Aka good or bad in autority) They onlu time we ought not to submit is if we are ask to SIN at that point we have to submit to and higher autority GOD
Submission is a wonderful thing, lerning to fully submit to my husband help me to fully understand how I have to complytly submit to God in everything. Having a head to protect me (AKa a husband to which i’m summitting) it a blessing not a burden!
If you have any question feel free to contact me at
harryandrenee@gmail.com
Comment by Renee Stam (June 27, 2007 @ 9:46 pm )
I’m sorry but in your scenario Renee, your husband is akin to God. Therefore he makes the ultimate decision on all issues with only my guidance? I don’t think so. My husband and I make decisions together - sometimes he makes the final decision, and sometimes I do. Here is a good question for everyone here: Why not submit directly to God and stand as an equal to your husband? I’m curious everyone’s answer to that. Thanks!
Comment by Rachel (June 28, 2007 @ 8:45 pm )
Rachel - I think you need to define what you mean by “equal”. I’ll answer your question with a question. Would you say that the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit are equal?
Comment by Greg (June 28, 2007 @ 9:45 pm )
My husband and I were discussing this a few months ago and he articulated it like this: Men and women are personally equal before God. We will each stand before Christ as an individual and recieve His judgement as to how we obeyed Him. However, in a marriage we are not postionally equal. The wife is subject to her husband, well, like the church is subject to the will of Christ, or the Holy Spirit is subject to the Father and the Son, or a more concrete example like a VP is subject to the will of the President of a company.
This is an example of order not of demeaning women. My heart aches for so many women out there who refuse to accept this truth of God’s. He has determined this order to our benefit not to our detriment.
Comment by Another Heather (June 29, 2007 @ 4:49 pm )
For me, submitting directly to God means submitting to His written word. A plain reading of His written word tells me that I am to submit to my husband. (See Eph. 5:22 & 24, Col. 3:18, Heb. 13:17, 1 Pt. 3:5) To say, “I don’t have to submit to my husband.” is to say “I don’t believe in a literal reading of the New Testament epistles.” A statement like that leads me down a path I’d rather not travel.
I agree - my husband and I stand before God as equals. When I think literally of standing before God in regard to matters of sin, judgement, and redemption, I find all the more reason to make sure that I personally am obeying God’s Word.
Does my husband make every decision? No way! He doesn’t even want to. There are many, many decisions he delegates completely to me. There are many more that we talk about and decide jointly. And there are other areas in which he makes decisions that I mildly or strongly disagree with. In all these things, I have to keep this in mind:
Comment by Julie (June 29, 2007 @ 9:19 pm )
[...] many women’s topics because they mostly deduce to “choking on gnats” and result in women jumping on bandwagons they’d do best to avoid. That’s not to say that we should never talk about these things, just [...]
Pingback by Amy’s Humble Musings » Epidurals and other fun stuff (July 28, 2007 @ 3:15 pm )
Amy, you sure opened a can of worms here, didn’t you? I see what you mean about ’straining for gnats’. I find it interesting that the most successful marriages I know of are of ones where the husband is the “servant” LEADER and the wife is the submissive type. Submissive doesn’t mean “doormat”. I totally agree with your post and the scriptures on the matter personally. I find that in loosing some battles (due to submission), I am actually winning. I win God’s respect. I win my husband’s trust. I win my children’s future character over to God’s ways. I truly believe that there is joy in submission. Jesus submitted his whole life to us. He asks for the same in return.
I’m glad I clicked over to see what you were up to lately.
I am not sure if you know this yet, but I’m EXPECTING! My kids are 10 and 8. My husband says we need to name this baby “Surprise”. 
Love in Him, Heather
Comment by sprittibee (August 2, 2007 @ 4:27 pm )
Congratulations, Heather.
In regards to your “submission doesn’t mean doormat” comment, it is really funny to me that anyone could think I meant it that way (and I know you didn’t take it to mean that). People in real life know me to be anything but a doormat; in fact, the truth is that I could learn to take a more subtle approach.
I was on the phone with a friend right after I wrote this post and mentioned it, as it pertained to the matter we were discussing. She busted out laughing, “YOU?! wrote on that?!” I hope it doesn’t mean that I am a complete hypocrite, just that it’s probably not the first thought that comes to mind when you think of me.
But for the record, I love my husband dearly and it is a joy to submit to his leadership.
Comment by Amy Scott (August 2, 2007 @ 5:30 pm )