I always say that hindsight is 20/20. When it comes to raising children though, I think I’ll adjust those numbers. When I’m a grandma, I’ll have Superman vision, like 20/10. I’ll know all the things I did wrong because I’ll have the evidence right in front of me. I will own it– right after I make a few excuses, like this one: I am so not responsible for the messy child. He did not get that from me, and by golly, I tried.

The thing about raising children is that for us women, it is a big deal. It’s important not only because there are eternal consequences at stake—we know that their souls need Jesus and the messy room is small in the scheme of things—but because this is what we do every day. We wake up and they are there. We lie down and they are there. We sneak into their rooms in the middle of the night to make sure that their chests are rising and falling. We flinch and grimace when the door makes a squeak on the way out, because we love them, but you know, we love them to sleep too. When some other kid yells “mom” from the dugout, we turn our heads just to make sure.

There will never be a better job for me. This is who I am and what I do. So when I mess up, things can get wonky. I’ve made some mistakes, like burning dinner and forgetting the pompom balls for the church craft bazaar. But then there are the big ones, the kind where you can’t just reorder a new part. I gave my son’s dog away six months ago, and now I know what it feels like to do the wrong thing. The story is long and complicated, but the feelings aren’t. I am sorry for hurting my boy. When he hurts, I hurt. The pain is still there. I see all the parts that others did wrong, as is always the case, isn’t it? But I see, better than 20/20, that I did wrong too.

I love my children. I want to do the right thing. I want to do a good job for their sakes, not just for me and my ego. I want their forgiveness for when I mess up. I thought I could make it through motherhood with only a few minor scrapes. I thought I could do a good job, because if it was all about love, I’m all good. But life is complicated sometimes, and having good intentions doesn’t matter for some things. For times like these, I am glad that we teach our children a gospel of grace and forgiveness, not of works and self-righteousness. I hope the grace part sticks, because if it doesn’t, I have a feeling I’m not the only who is sunk.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. –Colossians 3:12-14