I’ve been around the Mommy Wars long enough to know that it can get ugly. The Mommy Wars, of course, are the way women one-up each other in a way to validate their work that otherwise gets no recognition (not counting the pink carnation on Mother’s Day). Some women work for God, some women work for their own egos, and some women work for no other reason than it has to get done. Sometimes it’s a combination.

I’m sure there are other reasons that I haven’t thought of, but I’m bad at psychotherapy. The truth is, even if we have noble goals, the nitty gritty is messy: it can get competitive among the women. I’m still young, but I’ve never heard a man say, “Dude, you really need to get your kid off the bottle. It will deform his mouth structure.” To clarify, I have never asked anyone to open their mouth so I could see if they had a good mother or a bad mother.

Men are simple, but women are complex. (This is not the part where I say that I wish I were a man.) Once you understand that women are complex, though, you can work with it. The world is a yucky place, and those of us with the same goals—like doing right by our children and doing it for God– should stick together. What if we really threw each other for a loop and said, “You’re doing a good job”? I know we need to flesh some things out, but what if we started out on the same page more often?

I got this idea because I was talking to a woman about marriage stuff recently. She’s awesome: beautiful, smart, and a good mom to her kids. She’s the kind that you don’t think to say nice stuff to because she’s strong and anyone as cool as her has to know it. But she didn’t know it. Not knowing that your work is meaningful—whatever it is—can be a weight around your neck.

Every person reading this knows someone in real life who is doing a good job. Why not say it? I don’t think we suffer from too much encouragement that it can turn into a pride-fest. At the end of the day, we want to lay our head on the pillow and know that the day was not wasted. That’s why it’s important to do all things for Jesus– bottles or cups.

Let’s do this. Next time you see an 18-month-old running around with a bottle, resist the urge to gasp in horror and discuss orthodontics. Try this instead, “You are so patient with your kids. That’s awesome.” It’s a step in the right direction. I have this theory—moms who are not beating themselves up all the time for their deficiencies have more time to research bottles and cups and dentists. (Or concentrate on the stuff of life that really matters.) Look, I don’t want you newbie moms—you know I love ya– kicking yourself when you realize how hyper you were. Just calm down now and save yourself the apologies. We moms need to stick together. We can hear each other better when we’re building up one another.

Take it from me, you’re awesome.